The Rhyme and the Reason

The reversal.

2012-01-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants to say what I am
bolts and screws holding together
bits of flesh and glue
stretched over squirming things
and veins and lungs
my own little park living in my chest
and growing and creeping
past my bounds, where my skin hugs it in
so persistent it starts to poke
through my eyes and through my nose
pores leaking bits of blood and hope
until I'm a bloated mess of things and thoughts
the pieces people have thrown away
and couldn't get enough of.

Now, I'm outside in
and inside out
ugly and purple and wet
and perfect and content
in the things you've never seen
and the things my heart can't help but beat.

Paint by numbers.

2012-01-30T12:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I become so utterly devoted to an idea that I frame my whole consciousness around it. Not purposely, of course. It's like when you read a really good book. While you're reading it you just can't help but see the rest of the "real world" through that vane. The shade of the narrative voice echos in your own, it casts a new kind of light on the things you see around you.

Of course, you eventually finish the book. Maybe the coloration lingers for a little while, but you eventually forget. The world reverts back to its old ways and the only voice you hear is your own (unless, you know, you're crazy). It's kind of like that with ideas, too. When I say that I am an idealist, I don't mean that I have this overly optimistic view of the world, because i don't. I am an idealist in that when an idea pops into my head I become attached to it. it colors my world just like a really good book does. The only difference is, that the loss of this new form of sight isn't mutual.

The idea of a book might turn away from you, but you also turn away from it. You close the book, put it on the shelf, and leave it for someone else to read. With ideas, it's never that simple, and I'm starting to feel some ideas I've held onto for the past couple of months pull away from me. They are siphoning their color from my world before I've remembered how to see in my own shades. And even if this reality is forcing my to kill the ideal of the idea, I just can't bring myself to kill the sentimentality associated with it. And I can't stand the idea that someday someone might pick it up and read it for themselves.

Dealing With It

2012-01-21T18:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I am feeling a little off, I just sort of let myself wallow in the sheer unfavorable-ness of what ever is bothering me (I say unfavorable and not bad because, if I'm being frank, I find bad to be kind of a useless term. It's lost it's punch. It makes everything sound like an exaggeration. With unfavorable, there's no pretension. No expectation that what you are going through is fundamentally worse than everyone else.).

It should be obvious, of course, that wallowing doesn't actually accomplish much, unless you consider the frantic introspective ravings of a 20 something who is way too self-reflective for her own good and the tragic loss of a half dozen cookies or so to be "much". But, somehow I've got it in my head and in my heart that wallowing is something I need, nay, deserve to do every now and then. I guess that makes sense in a weird twisted way. For someone who is consitently know as being icy, tightly woud, and uncomunicative, submitting totally to self-sorrow kind of helps me remember that I'm life. It's almost as if hating my life reminds me that I have a life - at least a life beyond a single dimension of "somewhat satisfied can't complain" - ness.

But the biggest problem I have with wallowing (despite the fact that I find it to be a very vain practice. Think about it, what could be more selfish than preoccupying your consciousness with how bad your life is.) is the fact that it only breeds more wallowing. Once you allow it passage through your mind, it is almost impossible to stop. trust me, I know.

I've only managed to find one other way of dealing with myself when things go bad. It doesn't solve any problems, it accomplishes even less than the first, but some how i always find it the most satisfying of the two. In short, I trivialize my problems. I make them the requisit tragic scene of some woefully hopeful movie that I apparently have been starring in my whole life. I turn them into laundry. I turn them into marathons of painfully bad tv shows. I turn them into the necessary "dark period" of my life, the suffering that all the greats go through, and will likewise spurn my rise to stardom as the next great American novelist. And today, I turned them into Otis Redding and Solomon Burke.

Because if they can sound so happy singing about heart break, why can't I?

Things lately

2012-01-12T10:45:00.000-08:00

haven't been the greatest. The self doubt, self criticism that I left behind me at the end of last quarter have bubbled back up to the surface of my day to day remarkably fast. My life has so much potential to be so good - and most of the time it is - but the see-saw of it all is unnerving, exhausting, and I fear worst of all, unavoidable.

It seems like these past few days have been calling me to come to terms with , or at least recognize a few of the things that I have done my best to forget about. Bringing them back out hurts, but I can only hope that this period of pain and frustration can be followed with one of comfort, joy, and - dare I say it - constancy.

I need to get back to this, to getting it all out.

2011-12-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

I have this weird little quirk.

Well, I have many quirks, but there is one in particular that's been on my mind lately.

I am fundamentally inept at letting the people who are important to me know how important they really are. I think it has something to do with not wanting to come off too enthusiastic, or being afraid that these feelings wont be reciprocated, of not knowing how to show it, or of just coming across as "emotional".

Because, the people who are most important to me are the obvious ones, but they are also some of the people you would never guess. People I don't talk to everyday, or don't know the best. These people may never realize how much they mean to me, and that's a shame.

But that doesn't mean that they stop being important, and that doesn't mean that I don't wish everyday that I could come up with a way of letting them know.

Freeze

2011-11-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, only not as frequently as that phrasing makes it sound, I will have a moment - an instence - of pure contentment. A moment where I think, if I could just freeze time, if I could just live and re-live this moment for the rest of existence, I would be happy. I remember the first time I had this thought, at least the first time in my semi-adult existence, and I remember most of them that have happened since. They're all different. Some seem a little silly, others, idyllic. Almost all naive. But I can still remember the ways these moments made me feel, the assurance, the relief they offered.

It's funny to think how, if I had had my way, I could be stuck under a tree in the rain, or staring contentedly at someone I used to know so well, or looking up at a set of bright stadium lights.

But living in any one of these would have meant missing out on every other moment that followed. It would mean I would be perpetually 16 and happy, or 17 and confident, or anything else that I have been. But it would also mean being nothing that I am.

Because I can't be anything other than the product of my troubles, finding refuge in the light of my days. I don't know how. And I'm okay with that.

More than okay.

Seasons

2011-11-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

I was once told that there is a seasonality to life beyond the changing of the natural world around us - in our attitudes, relationships, and thoughts. Lately, this has been proving itself true in my life. The easiest way for me to describe the past couple weeks of my life is as being hot and cold. One minute I'm excelling, the next I'm stressing. One day I'm everyone's friend, the next I'm feeling like no one cares.

Each morning I wake up at 7 to get ready for class, and everyday while I'm riding the bus I have this moment where I catch a glimpse of the sun really beginning to start to poke through the morning fog with some force, and I have this momentum inside of me to live and be happy doing it. And then, bit by bit through out the day, little pieces of that fall away and are replaced by the obstacles that cross my path, and by the end of the day sleep feels like my closest friend. And it's exhausting.

It seems like consistency is the hardest thing to find in life.

Dear Slimfast,

2011-11-14T08:21:00.001-08:00

How can you taste so decent, yet smell so ridiculously gross?

I don't get it.

Coping

2011-10-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I found out that someone I went to high school with killed himself. I was never super close with him, but he was always in my classes and was in general a pretty cool, talented guy. Although, to be honest, I haven't paid him much thought in a while.

But now, he's all I can think about. How long he's wanted to do it. How he did it. What things would have been like if we had been close in high school. What his friends and family must feel. How I would feel. What I would do if it were someone really close to me.

And it's messing me up.

For some reasons that I don't understand, and for some that I don't feel like talking about here.

But it's hanging over me.

Cell

2011-10-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

I’m trapped by your lock and key

That you’ve hidden within me

Somewhere where my hands can’t reach

In a cavity my nails can’t carve out

Sitting there, existing

Beating, with your pulse

That traps me

More than metal, more than iron

It breathes as you breathe

It beats as you beat;

You’re locked with it

Locked with me

Distanced by the flesh and blood and bone

That I can’t remove

That you can’t escape

Because your trap for me

Is my trap for you

So now we exist

Solitarily jailed

Together.

Don't Breathe.

2011-10-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

I've got you here
in my lungs
compressed and rebelling
the repression of my ribs
of my bones
and the things that know
what you're doing here
but can't let it out
can't let you out -
to swallow me whole
to keep me in your lungs
the prisoner to you that I'm already becoming
the words and the thoughts that are already shoving -
now in my eyes
who have learned how to see you differently
jailed by my skull
by my bones
while you have learned
to consume me like I consumed you.
heavy and whole
fogging up our insides
and waiting
praying
for both of us to breathe

Musica

2011-10-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here's what I can't get out of my head at the moment.

Real World

2011-10-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

Something people say a lot to me when I mention all the trials and tribulations I've been going through in the last couple of weeks is "welcome to the real world".

I have a problem with this phrase for a couple of reasons. Namely, to say that I am now in the real world would imply that I was previously in an un-real world. As far as I can tell, the last 19 years haven't been spent asleep or in some alternate universe. Unless this is some Inception style plot twist in my life, (in which case the real world really doesn't matter because I must still be asleep) this most definitely is a word just as real as it was last year, or five years ago. More sheltered, maybe. But just as real.

And, secondly, it's a phrase that people say at every major milestone. High school, college, marriage. Seriously, how many real worlds are there?

So, what has changed? When I think about how to categorize a life I can't help but thinking about Alexander Pope. Pope was a writer who lived in the 18th century, and pretty much the only way you would know who he is if you are an English major. Pope wrote about this concept called "the chain of being" as a way of talking about knowledge, and it's an idea that has always been kind of interesting to me.

Visualize a chain. Now imagine that each link on the chain represents a being. The bottom link belongs to rocks and dirt, the top to God. In the middle are animals, humans, and everything else. Essentially, each level on the chain has access to a certain amount of knowledge that the organism on that level can master. It can never know more than it's level allows, only speculate, and the closer a link is to God, the more it can know. So, a rock can never know more than the bottom link, and God can know all the links.

I don't think the world is real or un-real, I just think that our capacity for knowledge, experience, and opportunity changes. For us, the links on the chain are landmarks. Each period of our life allows us to only accomplish so much. But unlike Pope, we have the opportunity to move up the chain with time, link by link.

So I'm up a link.

Main Street UCI

2011-10-12T08:45:00.001-07:00

is a project putting on my school to chronicle different views and experiences of/on the campus. Check out my submission here:
http://sites.uci.edu/mainstreetuci/2011/10/11/the-transfer/#respond

There is a fine line

2011-10-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

between pride and embarrassment.

And I think I might be walking it.

Things are good.

2011-10-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

Regardless of the little things that pop up in my way, like losing my wallet or getting sick, things are good. I'm falling into place piece by piece, and letting myself let go to see if others hold on. So far they are. Even though I'm behind on some things and physically feel less than perfect, I'm happy.

It's a happiness that is unassuming and maybe a little unfounded, but it is also real. I haven't felt happy like that in a while.

In the mean time, here's what I'm looking forward to:
Sleep!
Finishing Sense and Sensibility
My birthday
Hopefully spending some actual quality time with my family and best friends
Fall
Writing out some of the things in my head. I'm starting to feel inspired in a way I haven't recently, and I can't wait until I can take advantage of that. Writing makes me happier than anything.

A Recap.

2011-10-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've always considered myself to be a reasonably rational, level headed, down to earth person. I feel intensely with my emotions, but always try to keep them regulated with my head. Lately though, it seems like some of my personal flaws have been coming out more. I've been more self conscious about the way I look and been putting more gravity in what people say to and about me. I've been saying all the wrong things, and my usually on point use of sarcasm has just been coming off as mean. Sometimes I just feel awkward leaving my room at all because I feel like people have no clue what I'm doing.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this has to do with me starting over, wanting to make the absolute best of it, being terrible at making friends, and just all around feeling a little isolated from the people around me.
The worst part is, I'm sure that if I just didn't pay any attention to any of these things at all, I would feel like a part of the group by now. But it's still early, I guess.

My birthday is coming up soon. 20. It's funny, I'm so used to being the youngest person in my group of friends. This never really bothered me, though, because I always felt like we were still on the same level. Now, I'm living with a bunch of people who are more or less my age, and I'm even on the older side of things. But it doesn't feel the same. Not bad, just different.

Some people have been asking me if I feel old because my birthday is coming up. But honestly? For the past couple of years I've felt so much older than I actually am. 20 doesn't scare me. Intellectually, emotionally, I'm way past 20. But as far as experiences go, I guess I'm a little behind. Certain aspects of my life have felt stuck for a while - since high school, even. There are certain things that I just can't seem to make happen for myself. But I don't want others to make them happen for me, either. And the last thing I want is anyone to pity me.

It seems like in my life I have growing years and I have achieving years, and for some reason the two seem to be mutually exclusive. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice my success, but it feels like it has been so long since a growing year, since I've made lasting memories (with people who aren't my family) that are distinguishable - that stand out as new or exciting or worthwhile. I want that. I think I deserve it, and I think it's more than a little overdue.

I Promise this isn't about what you think it's about.

2011-09-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard sticking to the decisions - the promises - you make for yourself. It's enough to make me wonder why we even make commitments in the first place. Why do we decide to do anything for a longer period of time than the present? Why, after all the failed attempts at longevity, do we still make promises? What good can really come from it?

Are we motivated by some inflated sense of self righteousness? Is it the lingering notion of our eventual demise?

Why do we love?
Why do we hate?

Why is it that the promises we make always seem to cause the distinction between the two?

So often it seems like we let the logistics of human life get in the way of human life. I wish that I was one of those people who could turn off their brain for a little while and just enjoy life. But my thoughts and my promises always get in the way. And yet, for some reason, I keep making them.

*yes, I am well aware that this probably makes zero sense to anyone but me.

Science

2011-09-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I'm kind of liking the fact that I go to a college where my major is (in terms of the number of students who go here) rare. UCI has a great English program, but just about everyone here is majoring in some kind of science. And as far as I'm concerned that's a good thing.

Science is one of those fields that I find endlessly interesting, but have never really done too well in a formal class setting.. (Remember when I took astronomy my first year? Yeah. ) So, now that I'm at a place where just about everyone's scientific knowledge far exceeds my own, I just want to soak it up.

Seriously. I just want to listen to science people talk science talk.

If any of you still had any small, glimmering ray of hope that I'm not a complete and utter nerd, I probably just squashed it. Sorry about that.

I promise that my next post wont be about school or something that no one cares much about.

Only, you should probably take that promise with a grain of salt.

So I've been at school for a couple of days now

2011-09-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

and I’ve been trying so, so hard to make new friends. I’m beginning to realize that the bad thing about having such a fantastic core group of friends for a long time is that you kind of forget how you got them as your friends in the first place. How do you break past the “Oh, you like food? What a coincidence because I like food too! Even if it wasn’t necessary for survival, I would still love it!” stage to the place where other people actually have some measure of interest in your life? How do you get to the place where they can ask you how your day was and actually mean it?
Then again, I’m still trying to get to the part where we talk about our mutual love of food, so I probably shouldn’t get ahead of myself.

Obviously I don’t expect to make friends in a week. I don’t really even expect to make friends in a month. I’ve been trying so hard here and I’ve met so many people - nice, kind, interesting people. I just want to feel reassured that some of these people might start to become more than just passengers on a bus or people in front of me at the Wendy’s line.

Why do I want to write?

2011-09-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

So I can create things like this.

Maybe, one day.

I move out on Sunday,

2011-09-13T14:01:00.000-07:00

and I don't know how to feel. In these last couple of days at home, I don't know what to do with myself. I should be getting ready, packing , but instead I find myself constantly distracted from the tasks at hand. I'm not accomplishing anything. I don't even know how to feel; sad? Excited? Instead I just end up with some blah emotion in between. When I realize I'm about 3 years behind a lot of my friends when it comes to this step, I just feel silly for thinking about it at all.

This move isn't exactly "forever", but it's definitely a step in that direction.

On 9/11

2011-09-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm trying not to think about today. On a day all will remember, some part of me just wants to forget.

Its always been apparent to me that everyone who was old enough when the attacks happened to remember them, today remembers exactly what they were doing when they heard the news. At 9, I was old enough to be cognizant of what was happening - to understand it on a certain level. Only, this understanding was on the same level as the Bogey Man or Bigfoot; it was a fear based on the anticipation of what could happen, rather than what did, and always blanketed with the promise that my parents would be there to protect me.

But now, after ten years, things are so very different. Instead of a witness to the world, I'm a participant. I'm involved. I'm responsible. Now, it could be me who is the victim of our kind's hatred. It could be me who sacrifices everything. It could be me who is left with the task of rebuilding.

And I would gladly and thoughtlessly do this.

But I don't think I'll ever stop fearing, questioning, trying to change this world that can hate itself so much.

So for now I don't think about, just in case someday it's all I do.

The End of Books?

2011-09-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day that my local Borders will be open, and yesterday I decided to pay it a visit. Bookstores in general have always felt like an outer extension of my mind - the books, the music, the atmosphere. Bookstores are some of the few places where I can really hear myself think, and yet at the same time I can feel the presence of all those better thoughts, penned by wiser people. It inspires me.

But this was not the place I saw last night.

The place I saw last night was skeletal, dying, dead.

The bare bones of floor to ceiling bookshelves that used to always move with the flow of the room and my train of thought sat naked with nothing but the adornments of packing tape and sale stickers. The few books still for sale, less than 50 total, haphazardly stacked onto a few tables and clearanced beyond belief. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the words in these books that, after an 80% discount, people were still so reluctant to read. If no one will read them now, when will they ever? I can't help but imagine myself in five years - experiencing all the excitement and hopefulness of publishing a book, only to find it filling the discount bins two months later.

If print books even exist in five years, that is.

It's all I can stand to see one of my favorite shops in this state, when workers come in and start ripping off baseboards, taking doors off the hinges, and adjusting sale signs. It's hard to see Border's like this - controlled by the all important dollar. Then again, it controls all of us. In the weeks after the closing sales started, the stores were filled with discount shoppers, sweeping in to take advantage of their misfortune. I was there. And you were there. And now, the building sits with a few unwanted books and a mother who wont let her son by a $3.00 book with his own money because, "books aren't worth money unless they're really special", while a new bar waits for it's turn to move in.

Say what you want about me, or borders, but books are something else. Books are people. The way they wish they were, the way the used to be, the way they fear, the way the love. And losing them is like losing a million lifetimes.

Vampires.

2011-08-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of years I've noticed that vampires have gotten a bad reputation (and yes, I mean beyond that of being soulless monsters roaming the earth for blood, chicks, and big castles with an exorbitant amount of cobwebs). Books like Twilight and the Vampire Diaries, their less than noteworthy film spin off version, and the plethora of other media forms that have jumped on the bandwagon, have become common place to scoff at - perhaps successful just as much from the haters as the true fans. Something that once induced laughter induces mockery, and just as the original Count's tale signified the issue of women's rights and the prejudices against foreigners, today they show the distinction between the heart-controlled feminine and the aloof masculine; the emotional and selfish single mindedness of youth and the cocky judgemental attitude of what ever stage can be said follows it.

But here's the rub: vampires are my favorite monster. Have been for as long as I can remember - far before these days when they pine for humanity and, dare I say it, sparkle. How did the creature that simultaneously fascinated and frightened me become a laughing stock? I think, in the end, it comes down to emotion. Beings like Dracula were created, in essence, to escape. To feel fear and then be comforted by the comparative easiness of our own life. To, for a moment, live in the extreme.

Modern day's monsters aren't the fearless scourge of society. Now they are jaded. Haunted by their intense love and their struggle for self-control. Maybe it's more realistic (or, at least as realistic as you can get once you cross over into "undead" and "soul mate" territory), but it's also less constructive. One machine of story telling with one way of thinking not only robs our imagination and it's need for extremes, but it robs ourselves.

There was a time when books and symbols stood for something. Hi, I'm a ghost and I represent unfulfilled desires and regrets. Or, hi, I'm a zombie, but you can just call me peer pressure and the struggle to be unique or alone in a world without limits. But now, the image that I and most others in my age bracket see is, hi, I'm a vampire. Let me show you that real men are moody, while I love you unrealistically and prove that my stalker-ish tendency of watching you sleep at night is perfectly normal.

They say that sex sells, but I guess now a days all it takes is the promise of love. But a single minded existence isn't much of a dynamic life. Then again, it's not much of a dynamic book, either.

Edit: This isn't meant to be a dig at anyone who like the popular vampire shows or books (I'm reading the True Blood series). This is really just my thoughts on how the usefulness of media and symbols has changed and what the possible implications of this are.

Please Help!!!

2011-07-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! My mom has entered a contest, and it would mean a lot to both of us if you would take a second to vote for her! If you do, leave a comment. As a special thank-you, I will follow you if I'm not already. If I am following you, then I will do a special shout-out to you on my blog.

Thanks in advance, and please spread the word!

Vote here!

If you like her poster, then check out the rest of my mom's art here.

The Small and Insignificant

2011-07-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

My camera has been on the fritz lately, but here are a few pictures I've taken this summer. I'm beginning to notice that most of my favorite things to take pictures of are small, and easy to pass over. Make of that what you will, I guess. Enjoy!

The Whole Harry Potter Thing

2011-07-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

You would have to be living under a rock to not know that the final film installment of the Harry Potter series came out this weekend, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I braved the crowds to see it at midnight. I'm certainly not the most ravenous fan out there, but a life long fan just the same, and the end of the series symbolises many of the same things for me as it does for the characters. The end of an era, of childhood.

The first book came out when I was in the third grade. I remember it vividly because my teacher told my mother that I was not a strong enough reader to read the books which, of course, just made me want to read them more. The character's ages were close to mine, and in a weird way reading about their growth towards adult hood helped me in mine. I never had to fight the forces of evil, but I did have to deal with temptation, choices, responsibility, love, sacrifice, and friendship. I'm still dealing with them. I always will be.

And it's not just me. Such a huge percentage of my entire generation has felt what I have felt. It unifies all of us people around the world who don't know each other, but share a story. It’s not just the end of a movie. It’s the end of a relationship that started when I was in third grade and continued through film to my Junior year of college. It’s saying goodbye too the people who not only live in the book, but in myself - the ones who helped me learn how to grow up, that it's okay to be ordinary, or extra ordinary, or misunderstood. Above all, these people and books taught me that each of us is fighting through life in our own terrifying way. But some of us are fighting for something more that life.

Harry Potter was the first book that I took seriously, the first time I read past words and reached something else. That was the same year that I began to think about writing. In some strange, convoluted way, Harry Potter was the start of my adult life - my career, and the only thing that has consistently made me happy, content.

I guess I'm just trying to say, Thank you J.K. Rowling. Thank you for happening upon a pot of gold, and thank you for sharing it with me. With us.

Me at the midnight showing. If you can't see the shirt, I combined the deathly hallows with a lightning bolt. Yeah. Clever.

One More Time For Emphasis

2011-07-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Things are starting to get down to the wire. It seems like most of the people who have tried to "guide" me through college have all been wrong: getting in as a transfer student is easy, figuring everything else out is the hard part. I'm going from knowing everything like the back of my hand, to knowing nothing, but I'm still trying to plan and prepare for the year like I do. I'm panicking that I'll miss sending in something, or that I'll find out I still have a ton of lower division work I have to do, or that - you know - I'll just fail at life.

Despite all of this fear and insecurity at my abilities in what people have over and over again told me is my field, (where are you now, community college teachers?) I am so excited to explore my major. UCI offers two emphasises in English, which basically means you take a couple extra classes to develop you skills in a specific area of English. The two offered are creative writing and literary journalism, and in my mind, the two are distinctly intriguing but also have their downfalls.

I feel like you can't be an English major and not consider creative writing as the end goal of your career, and I know that being in the program would push me - hard. But looking at the program's website makes me more fearful than excited. It looks intense, strict, competitive - exactly the kind of thing that I'm afraid would unleash my doubts in my ability and cause me to become a writing zombie - just going and going, praying that I get somewhere. Not to mention, coming up with a complete idea for a fiction story, even in my head, has eluded me. I can always get the beginning, but never the end.

Literary journalism is a little less clear cut, but from what I can gather it is essentially writing factual articles on a more personal and thoughtful level, existing on a different level than typical journalism. This sounds more like where my current writing style lies, but I also feel like I might find the field to restrictive to the kind of writing I want to do. Focused more on facts than on feeling, more on a story than the image -the emotion- that the story creates.

All the research that I've been attempting to do results in a frozen computer from the twenty Internet windows open, and more questions than answers. I guess I'll just have to hope that the match for both my talents and my desires finds me.

Or, you know, that my counselor is the bomb diggity.

The Fourth. And Beyond.

2011-07-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

Fourth of July has never been a big day in my family. The ritual to the 4th (it seems like all holidays have a level of ritualism to them) seems to be just as much concerned with laziness as anything else. Sleep in, have a late breakfast, walk down to the city street fair with Lisa - which involves the purchase of Guatemalan friendship bracelets and silly junk that only seems like a good idea before you've bought it, the eating of something either a)fried or b)ice cream and making a mess of eating it, and lastly, complaining about the heat. The rest of the afternoon is usually spent enjoying the Twilight Zone Marathon (which, to my dismay, was canceled last year. Still not sure if it will be back) either with Lisa or my sister. The fireworks are enjoyed casually and without pretense with the family. The event is always viewed with a certain level of nonsense - over exaggerating the "oohs" and "ahhs", and commenting on the often unpredictable fireworks show itself. Something technical always seems to go wrong.

Despite all of this, there is always a feeling of reverence lingering in the back of my mind. Whether it's a result of the day's significance, routine drilled into my head over 19 years, or just an excuse to not feel guilty for being lazy, is hard to say. But I'm not ignorant. I know that as I grow older, and move forward or sideways or whatever direction I'm going, holiday rituals like this begin to run out. I'll have to make my own days and my own rituals, and that's not at all exciting, but it does make this weekend all the more important.

Then again, each day has just as much potential to be as important as the day before it - holiday or not. Ever sense I was little, I've subconsciously done this thing on holidays, where I say to myself, "Wow, this is (Holiday). I've waited a whole year for it and now it's here". When really, I should be saying, "Wow, today has never happened before. I've been waiting my whole life for it, and now it's here".

Today is the 2nd of July, in my 19th year. It's the only one I'll ever get, and it's here.

The first summer concert of 2011

2011-06-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a concert. The music was great, the band had tons of energy, and everyone was incredibly nice.

So, who was this uber incredible band I went to see? Oh, just a little group called...

Harry and the Potters!

I can just see your eyes rolling now. What, did the last couple of "thoughtful" posts make you forget the fact that I am a complete and utter nerd? Well, guess what, I am.

As I'm sure you've already guessed, this band writes songs about harry potter. I first heard them when I was a freshman in high school (2005...I think?), when one of the captains on color guard started playing their songs during warm up from time to time. At that point I was already a harry potter freak, but I was also incredibly shy, so I didn't say much about it.

Time passed, the senior class graduated, and I kind of forgot about the band. Fast forward to last Sunday. I make a quick trip to the library to pick up a book for my mom, and outside the library was this little sign:

My reaction was somewhere along these lines: *points fingers, jaw drops* th-they-ha-wha?-I-whe-ohmygosh-wha-needtogoneedtogo. Yep. I'm real articulate huh? The crowd that showed up for the show was surprisingly small, but it was a blast none the less.

Perception: Friend or Foe

2011-06-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

It seems strange to me how differently two people can percieve and remeber the same experience. Psychology constantly begs the question, what matters more - our genetics our our environment? Just like all of these factors must be considered in psychology, I'm sure there is a myriad of things that affects our memories.

But lately, I've been thinking that our vices have just as much to do with it as our social or genetic factors. I've come to decide that everyone is insecure (not too big of a surprise there..) but also that everyone is vain. Don't we spend more time thinking about ourselfs and what others think about us than anything else? Why else would we think about what we wear, what we say, do. Why else would we strive to do well, or hate ourselves? Because at the heart of it all is self importance.

So, sometimes I wonder if people (consciously or not) actually remember the past as worse than it was because they need to believe that the present is better, that they have beat what held them back in the past.. And, hey, maybe it is and maybe they have. But the fact that we all need to find growth, improvement - instead of a plateau or stagnation, is incredibly self preserving. And self preservation is tied to our genes.

On the other side, isn't it possible to remember things better? To forget about the bad and romanticize the past? What's the first step that most people take when they encounter a problem? Pretend that it doesn't exist. Maybe it's to protect their sense of self, maybe it's because they don't want to believe that they could be anything less than happy, or maybe saying "that was me once. Wasn't I great?" is our own way of dealing with the problems of the present.

Either way, our memories can't be trusted.

Or, you know, I could just be makin' something outta nothin'. Wouldn't be the first time.

Then vs. Now

2011-06-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been having this weird battle with nostalgia. Working with high school students, that phase of life is pretty much always sitting in the front of my consciousness. But the thing is, I never really associate their high school with my high school. Sure, I talk with them about my experiences, and there are tons of similarities, but high school isn't really real for me any more. It's like when I think about elementary school. When I think of it, I don't even really think about me. It's just some weird shadow that is only part me.

I was lucky to have a great high school experience, but I don't at all think of those years as the "peak" of my life. It's hard not to think back about a time when I had tons of friends and a social life, was really good at things and didn't have to work or stress about money. Now it's just the opposite, and after drifting so far away from the good things I had back then, I feel this weird unspoken drive to "win". To turn out better than the people I constantly wanted to be in high school, or at least equal. But usually, I only match them in words, not actions.

Guard contributes a lot to my perception of myself. Sure I make my money from teaching, and I will always love it, but I have also lived without guard in my life. It was so hard at first, but like anything else, I got used to it. Now, strangely, when I talk to or meet people who are still fully - even partially - apart of that world, I feel this strange sense of age. Even when these people are older than me, the fact that I have lived with out this thing that can't not consume your life makes me feel so, so - experienced, wise, old? - in comparison to them. It makes no sense, but it's proof that someone got my birthday wrong. I can't be just 19.

These thoughts all came to a head the other night, when the school I work for had a special performance, where all the girls did their own routine. Traditionally, the coaches preform too, but I didn't. a couple people came up to me, asking why and urging me to change my mind, but I just didn't want to. In high school, I would have been all for it. a year ago I would have been all for it. But now? Lately I've come to this weird acceptance that I am insignificant, and that everyone has their shot at that idealized, self centered high school experience that I had. I didn't do a routine, not because it would have been extra work, not because I was afraid to be embarrassed, but because I didn't need to. My time had come and gone, and it was my happy duty to step out of the way and let them have theirs. I felt this convoluted sense of contentment and happiness at this recognition. My only hope is that I can find it in everything. In my money stress, in my lack of social life, in the reluctant and willing choices I make.

Residual Stress

2011-05-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

is there such a thing? I am more than willing to bet there is. School has been out for just under a week (adios community college!), but I'm still feeling the stress of finals. I keep having dreams that I am frantically trying to right an essay-but to no avail, and whenever I go out somewhere I'll get a feeling of panic and think "What am I doing??? I need to study!!!!" out of nowhere. I know that I don't have to do any of these things, but my mind begs to differ.

The only cause for this that I can think of is that I'm subconsciously mixing up my stress over things that I have to get done this week, with the things I've been worrying about over the past month. Color guard clinics and tryouts are this week, which means I've got double days Monday (yesterday), Wednesday and Friday, along with an afternoon on Thursday, and all Saturday morning. The girls have their guard class at 8 am. so on the double days I spend most of my morning with them or in transit, and then in the afternoon I have to drive back for clinics/practice. As much as I enjoy the actual practice part, the gap in between frustrates me. Either I come back home and get nothing done, or I hang around in Irvine, meaning I will definitely end up spending money that needs to be saved.

The pressing fact that my dresser needs to be organized, and I've got to figure out loan stuff doesn't exactly help, either. But I'm slowly, very slowly, starting to get stuff done and mellow out a little.

Images

2011-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Just doing a little Sunday morning picture surfing. All of these photos make me curious of the back story behind them.

-And, no, I didn't purposely pick only lack and white photos. I guess it's just a gray kind of day.

All images found at honey&pie

Starbucks Thoughts

2011-05-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

I wish I was good at something concrete - something useful. Like, maybe if I could build things, then people would get it. Then I wouldn't be "weird" or "unusual" or "wasting my time". Or, maybe if I was good at science or math or anything usable. Anything solid. But I'm not. Every time someone finds out that I'm and English major they ask, "What are you going to do with that?? teach?". The answer is always invariably yes, but somehow that's never good enough. Somehow my plans never match up other peoples, and I don't care - I really don't. But for some reason they all seem to.

So many people see English as a dead end major, because you're probably not going to become a famous reporter or writer, but that's not the point for me. I think that it's kind of wonderful that we can create something - learn it and perfect it, for no real tangible reason other than to share it with someone else. All because someone, somehow, thought it was important. Because for someone it was worth it.

what could be more human? Isn't that the point of everything? Isn't that life?

Projunction

2011-05-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Old thorns are pulling into my scalp

While my brain prays that it’s worthy of these wounds
That I’ve built for myself
That you’ve built for me
That I still think I need
That maybe I need

While new Gravity keeps at the meat of my cheeks
Drowning me – down into a distant enemy
Of a world where I know what I want
and I don’t know you
and I don’t know truth
and I pray I'm a fool

Where the words are all I see and breathe
And just when I grow my wings
It’s my arms that I need
It’s my arms that I need

This place where the blood in my eyes turns everything red
Where the truthful are the week and the deaf are the blind
Where the daydreams can speak but can never be said
Where everything exists but nothing’s a sign

And the blood is my power
And the blood is my gain
And I can’t feel love or it was all for vain
All for the specter hiding inside of my brain

The thorns here are brittle, and my hate is my love
And the dirt under my nails is close as any glove
Thread born by a place ignored from above
In a pathway that won’t be lit

But you still think I’m worth it.

But Maybe I’m worth it

But Maybe I’m worth it

But

-Sometimes I don't even understand how these thoughts get into my brain-

Summa

2011-05-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

My last day of school is May 20, which means that summer is so close I can hardly be expected to actually focus on the last few days of school (although, my 4 essays and presentation would beg to differ). This school year has been full of a lot of ups and downs. I quit my job, got a new job, struggled to make things work, I had a couple of fights that I wish I hadn't, and didn't have a couple that maybe I should have. I've been underestimated, over estimated, had to deal with some seriously whacked out people (more on that later), and I found out that apparently I'm way smarter than I give myself credit for. But still after all of that, when I think about what has happened to my friends this year, there is no comparison. That's probably the one thing that I dislike about the past two years - nothing happens. After all this time, I've probably met one person that I will actually talk to next year (and that's still a big "if"). I know I have so many things to be grateful for, but when every week day is the same, and every weekend is me, sitting at home, either waiting for a friend to "get back to me" on if we can do something, or getting canceled on, things don't seem quite as bright.

But summer is always better. How can it not be? Here are some reasons I'm looking forward to this summer:
1) Getting to sleep in past 6:30
2) first summer since 2008 that I am not taking summer classes.
3) The school I'm going to is on the September to June plan, and the school I go to now is on the august to may plan, which means I get an extra month of break.
5) I will finally have time to read some of the books under my bed. (all year I've been buying clearance books at borders that seemed interesting, but I never had time to read them because of all of the reading I have for my 2 lit classes)
6) I reallyyyy want to go to a concert. Soon.
7) Medieval Times with Lisa
8) Hopefully going to Shakespeare by the Sea
9) Um, hello, it's SUMMER.

So, how would you rate your school year? What are you looking forward to this summer?

The Problem

2011-04-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

with the speed reading that is necessary to do when you're an English major, are the lyrical gems that often get disregarded, or blown right past. Like this one, from Hawthorne's Blithedale Romance:

"It is not, I apprehend, a healthy kind of mental occupation to devote ourselves too exclusively to the study of individual men and women. If the person under examination be one's self, the result is pretty certain to be diseased action of the heart, almost before we can snatch a second glance. Or if we take the freedom to put a friend under our microscope, we thereby insulate him from many of his true relations, magnify his peculiarities, inevitably tear him into parts, and of course patch him very clumsily together again. What wonder, then, should we be frightened by the aspect of a monster, which, after all,--though we can point to every feature of his deformity in the real personage,--may be said to have been created mainly by ourselves."

And to think that some people call reading a waste of time...

Help Me.

2011-04-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

Up until yesterday morning, I had a plan. I new where I was going to college - and it was all fine and dandy.

Until, I got another acceptance letter. To an awesome school, which hadn't really been in my realm of consciousness when I was making "the plan". Now, regrettably, I find myself reconsidering three schools. Why? Because I'm stupid. I'm not lucky enough to have one dream school, not really at least. For some reason, I'm now seeing flaws and strong points in all of them that I hadn't really considered before - especially when it comes to the curriculum and classes I will be taking.

But Amanda, English is English!, you say. Not necessarily! Not to me, at least. Now, even my pro con lists aren't helping.

I need help. And to make a decision, soon. I feel so ridiculous dwelling over something that seems like an instantaneous decision for so many, but college is the most important thing in my life right now. I may walk slowly, but I don't walk back. (Kudos to anyone who knows who that quote is from)

So, just for laughs, what would you do?

It Must Be Wonderful,

2011-04-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

not having to be held accountable to anyone but yourself.

photo from we heart it

Salsa

2011-04-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I went salsa dancing with my best friend. Neither of us had tried it before, but I was getting extra credit for my Spanish class, and it was free, and I had nothing else to do, and you would have to be missing a couple of wires to pass up that combination.

I was a bit nervous about how the evening would go, given it didn't get off to a very good start. We had a little bit of trouble finding the room it was in, even though the class was taking place at my school. In my defense, it was in the P.E. building, which I didn't exactly knew existed. No one takes P.E. in community college, sheesh. Then, of course, there is the ten minutes or so of awkwardly waiting for the class to get started. When ever I'm in a new situation like that, I always use that time to a) scope everyone out to see if there is anyone I know, or if anyone has a flashing neon sign over their head screaming "HELLO I'm A CREEPER" , and b) avoid eye contact. Maybe I'm rude, but there is nothing more uncomfortable than getting stuck in a conversation with someone who won't stop talking just because you happened to look at them the wrong way. Luckily, I wasn't alone, and my best friend Lisa is a good person to have with you in these kinds of situations, if you catch my drift.

The class began with the teachers splitting up the boys and the girls so they could teach each group their parts. Automatically it became clear that some of us would not be getting a partner. The girls outnumbered the boys two to one.Yet, when the time came to find a partner, one man came running up to me and asked if I could dance. Yes, that's right, I was one of the first people picked. By an old man. Apparently, I have some kind of appeal to the older crowd, because I have a history of getting hit on by the 60 and up bracket. But I couldn't turn this guy down, especially considering the lack of gentlemen in the house. So, before I knew it, I was being spun, thrown, and thankfully not dipped by a complete stranger.

That was the trend of the night, actually. Even though the teachers taught us one dance, everyone else insisted on improvising and doing their own thing. One minute you're doing a simple front to back step, the next you are being thrown across the room in a triple spin. I swear, there has to be a loony toons episode about this.

Apparently, my ineptitude got to my dance partner, and after 20 minutes or so he thanked me and moved on. After that, Lisa and I traded back in forth with a very nice guy we had met the same night. He was a pretty good dancer, but I was also about a foot and a half taller than him, making our turns a little... uncomfortable. On top of that, there was one step in the dance that required me to put my arms straight in the air while he turned me, putting his face right at my arm pit level (which by this point was working overtime). All I can say is sorry, random dance partner.

One thing that was interesting about the night is how quickly you have to become comfortable with a complete stranger. Salsa is a pretty close type of dance. You barely learn a persons name, and then boom. Personal bubble gone.

Before the night was over I was asked to dance one more time; by the best looking guy in the room. He was d r e n c h e d in sweat, but by far one of the best dancers there. That was when I thought, "Yeah. I can see why people really Like this".

College

2011-04-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

By the end of the month, I will have made my decision. By the end of the month, my college admission confirmation is due. I envy people who have no shame or doubt about moving into a new role in life, but now more than ever I find myself conflicted. Maybe it's the unfaltering concept of the unknown that holds me back; the absolute blindness of not knowing if or where I'll be happy, or how my units will transfer. Not knowing if I'll make friends, or be forgotten by my old ones, or be constantly homesick. Not knowing if I will thrive on my own and living off of top ramen, or be constantly working, or fall to the pressure and guilt of my job.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don't know what it is that I'm looking for. One path tantalizes me with the possibility of restoring everything that I once loved about my life - all of those cold evenings that have been lumped together in my mind as one grand memory of what contentment felt like. That feeling has so long been forgotten, that I'm not even sure if I will recognize it again, or have the courage to chase after it, or even want it at all.

Another path offers a new start, in a new place - where the potential for happiness is great, but the potential for catastrophe is greater.Would I even be able to pull off what I've so long been searching for? Will it be what I expected? Am I even capable of experiencing the all too romanticized college experience? Or would it change me, like so many others I used to know? Will the person I've fought to become and strive to be fall away? Am I strong enough?

The final path offers beauty, and freedom. But I know that it would also allow my tendency to turn inward to become all consuming. From that point, there is no turning back.

In my head, I keep playing back something an old teacher once said: once you go, there is no coming back. Nothing you can do will change that. It is mirrored with my own precaution. Two years are gone. You don't have time to not get it right.

Even as I write this, I can hear you scoffing. I really am envious of how easy it is for you. My mind is the best thing I've got, but it can sometimes be the worst.

I really can't be expected to focus on pilgrim lit. when I'm in this frame of mind.

You Need to Know

2011-03-30T17:49:00.000-07:00

That I am currently having a dance battle. With myself. To these songs.

Yeah. You're jealous.

Acid Rain

2011-03-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

The rain,
a life giving seed
pregnant with possibility and destruction,
washed away every doubt or hope
that I still carried
as a reminder of
the life
that we didn't share,
but would have
of the things that were never said,
but should have
and the images that don't exist,
but could have.

An alternate reality,
we were never meant to see.
An accidental crossing,
of our fatal jealousy.

Still, with you, the life I need,
wouldn't have
the things I want,
shouldn't have
and the person I am
could never have.

The rain may be a murderer,
but it plants a greater seed.
And I could never hope to end
my true speakers greed.

I hate how

2011-03-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

people are constantly offering to help me.

But even more, I hate it when they don't.

March 20, 2011

2011-03-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Favorite part of my day.

from weheartit.com

Comics

2011-03-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Garfield has never been my favorite comic strip, and suddenly it has become obvious why: not much actually happens. At least, not after you take the title character out. The blog Garfield minus Garfield does just that. For some reason, every time I read this website, it puts me in a frame of mind somewhere immense amusement, and confusion. What do you think?

My favorite strip minus the large orange cat:

What Are They Seeing?

2011-03-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me just how far off people's split second impressions are of me. I've recognized for a long time that I'm not particularly good at first impressions, but there is a difference between a "bad" impression, and a "totally off base" impression. What's even worse, is that a lot of times people let these ideas that they have about me prevent them from actually getting to know me.

One of these inaccuracies that people almost always have about me is that I'm shy. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most confident person - but I am definitely not shy. I value words - they carry more power than a lot of people realize - and accordingly, I like to make sure that what I say actually matters. I may not always be "successful", but there is an obvious difference between myself, and a lot of other people I have known; the kind of people are constantly talking, and somehow say nothing.

Another thing about me that usually (and understandably) comes off as shy is the fact that I'm not very good at actually starting conversations. Obviously, if I'm around my family I don't have much of a problem saying something like, "You know those little loops on the back of tennis shoes", because they all ready know everything about me, and they're kind of stuck with me. But someone I've know for five minutes? A month? Not so much.

I don't know, maybe I'm rambling here.. People are constantly telling me that I'm a complex person - and I am. But a lot of the time they use that idea to turn me into some kind of puzzle they need to figure out. I may be puzzling, but I'm not a puzzle, and I definetly am not just here to amuse you.

It just seems like no one actually cares enough to try to know the real me.

I don't know

2011-03-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

why I ever waste time being anything but happy.

Sure

2011-03-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

It is so incredibly easy to get lost in the community college system. But somehow, I've managed to make it to my last two months with two college acceptance letters (so far) in hand.

I love the little reminders that I'm doing the right things with my life. My grades are good, and a third teacher has commented that my writing is incredibly thoughtful. The first time someone mentioned this I was confused. Call it naivete, but I actually remember thinking, "how can you not be thoughtful when you're writing?". I still don't usually see the same things in my writing that others do, but I guess that's typical. Artists are always their own biggest critic. Not that I'm likening myself to an artist.

What I do know is the feeling that writing gives me. It's so hard to explain, but it almost feels like an outer body experience. Like I am the words. I wonder if all writers get this, or if it's just me.

Now, if I could just figure out where I'm going with life beyond this summer.

*note: And for those of you who are curious, this blog isn't exactly an accurate means of judging my writing. This is where I quickly jot down my thoughts.

I'M Not Looking For Sweet Talk

2011-02-17T15:32:00.000-08:00

I'm looking for time.

Why I Love Borders

2011-02-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I was at Borders perusing the discount section, (because I am a master bargain hunter in case you weren't aware) when I happened upon a boxed set containg four moderatly sized books. The title of this set? "Complete Education - in a Box!" The price? $19.99.

I'm glad to know that I am in the process of spending thousands of dollars and dedicating 5 years of my life to college, when I could just use my coffe money for the week and spend a couple of nights up reading.

Thanks, Borders.

Valentine's Day is...

2011-02-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

...not just for couples. It's for love.

I remember in high school my French teacher told us that the only people who celebrated valentine's day in France were couples, and how surprised she was when she first came to America that it was just as much about friends and relatives. In high school, I agreed with her completely. But more and more in college I've seen this celebration of friendship fade. So many people my age don't even pay a second thought to Valentine's day - or talk about how much they hate it and write it off as being driven by corporate motives.

I can't exactly say I disagree with them. There is so much pressure surrounding v-day. If you're in a relationship, you struggle to be the perfect romantic. If you're not, you try not to notice all of the happy couples, hearts, and flowers. And everyone, no matter how content, keeps the thought in the back of their mind that maybe, just maybe, the day holds the kind of Valentine's surprise that we are all taught to wish for when we're little.

The other day at the library I saw a woman reading books about finding love and happiness, and I couldn't help but wonder if the date had anything to do with this selection. But today I'm not thinking about what isn't - I'm thinking about what is.

Do You Ever

2011-02-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

Do you ever see where you want to be -

and at the same time see it falling away from you?

Do you ever see what you want to keep-

and then see it passed along to some other anonymous?

Do you ever see who you are-

and see no one believing it?

I keep my hope on a shelf with the acid and the fear and all the little things that eat me up-

but I keep it.

At least I keep it.

Groundhogday

2011-02-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

I have never really understood groundhog day. Not the part about using a small animal to determine if we are in spring or winter, that part I am just fine with.

It's the shadow thing that, year after year, drives me crazy.

Think about it this way, when it's dark and cloudy out there is (obviously) a smaller amount of light. Less light means that shadows are much fainter. On the opposite side, when it is bright and sunny out there is a bigger contrast in light vs. dark, meaning that shadows would be much easier to see.

And what season is known for being dark and cloudy? Winter.
What season is known for being relatively sunny? Spring.

Yet for some reason, on groundhog day, if the groundhog does not see his shadow (like he didn't yesterday) that means that we are headed straight into spring - not winter. How does this make any sense?

Every single year this confuses me, and the ironic part is that it has nothing to do with the groundhog.

January 29, 2011

2011-01-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

so, about an hour ago I got back from an impromptu study session at starbucks.

and they gave me a free scone.

not just any scone might I add, but a maple walnut scone.

Awesome.

Something tells me that this is directly correlated with the fact that I was wearing my amazing

new gryffindor scarf that my grandma made for me.

Life's a Beach

2011-01-29T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sunday, January 23, 2011

2011-01-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

"Quickie

If you want to be inspired today, pay attention to your senses and follow your gut.

Overview
Make sure that your life is beautiful today. Every aspect needs to work well with every other aspect, and your amazing energy can help to ensure it all flows. This, in turn, makes you more efficient and fulfilled." -Yahoo horoscopes.

Quite possibly the first time my horoscope has ever actually made sense.

The Only Ring a Ding Time.

2011-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

It's mid January, what is usually the one semblance of winter I ever get to see. Yet, not long after winter gets its frigged fingers gripped around the thermometer, spring comes creeping up out of the shadows.

*If you can guess where the title comes from, you win a gold star.

Bad Day

2011-01-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

I hate that other people not doing their job falls back on me.

I hate that I have to explain to people what is going on, when I feel like I deserve an explanation too.

I hate that I feel the need to respond to every single email because I know no one else will.

I hate that this job makes me cry and it doesnt even have anything to do with the girls.

Today, my mom called me a hippie.

2011-01-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

shirt and shoes from Salvation Army, Pants from Forever 21, Belt came attached to another purchase.

2011-01-16T14:07:00.001-08:00

This is a Rant. But it has a point.

2011-01-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

You cannot fake who you are. And I'm tired of people trying.

Let's face it, So Cal is full of pretenders.

So much of life is about trying out new things and experiences, finding out how they fit into our life, and allowing them to become a part of us if we so wish. But, so often I see people - friends - align themselves with a certain group or belief because of the outward effect it produces.

It's like those rich kids from over the hill who always buy all of trendy clothes from Urban Outfitters, and wear them to make a statement or because it's "stylish" more than anything else, while I save up to afford one indulgence there because their clothes make me feel comfortable and confident and are a reflection of myself.

It's like the people who tell me they absolutely love T.S. Eliot, but only understand the words and not the meaning. They don't see all of the implications of what he is saying, the metaphor, the emotion and ache that comes from ripping a feeling out through your fingertips, and putting it into something that is creative and vague and wonderful.

It's like the people who join Greenpeace just because it means they have a cause, it's like the people who do something because they think it will get them a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it's like the people who do something just to stand out, and end up blending in.

So many things that we do are influenced by objects or desires that don't matter if there isn't happiness or honesty to go with them. Yes I shop at urban Outfitters and read Eliot and want to join the peace corps some day - but it is because failure to do these things would mean undercutting who I am and what I want from life, not the other way around. It would mean an ignorance of myself as a person. It would mean lying.

And no, I'm not saying that only rich kids shop at urban outfitters, or that I am the only one who can possibly understand Eliot, Poe, or any of those people. There are plenty of individuals dedicated to green peace, and plenty of people who stand out for the same reasons that I do all of the things I do. There is nothing wrong with doing any of this. I am just sad - worried - that so many people from my generation seem to sacrifice the right and ability to recognize who and why they are - and don't see that this true person is beautiful and good and enough. Why do so many people subscribe to someone else's aesthetic when their own is just so much more wonderful?

I am in no way exempt, no one is, but I keep it cornered to a small part of my existence. I try to.

Two Thousand and Ten: A blog post retrospective.

2011-01-03T14:05:00.000-08:00

January: I remembered why I love Target, went of a night walk, and found a new staple for the blog playlist. I also chopped my extra long hair as I got ready for a new semester of college.

February: Spring caught up with us. This month I found myself utterly confused by the people around me and what motivates their decisions. While this discussion was originally written in the form of an essay, I decided to change the format to a vague poem to keep the situation anonymous in case the people who it was about happened to read this. Maybe some day I'll post the original, maybe I wont. I also had an amazing day.

March: I tested out my photoshop skills and experimented with poetry I had an "adventure" and confessed a "secret", resulting in two of my most visited blog posts. With spring in full swing, I was glad to enjoy more of the usual.

April: I went on a philosophical rant about cartoons that made absolutely no sense. I also took a trip and received a few hugs.

May: I wrote one of my personal favorite poems of the year, as well as one that I can't help but read (in hindsight) to the tune of a coldplay song. I also enjoyed puzzles, and told you all a little more about myself.

June: While I should have been enjoying summer, I was busy (not) enjoying two other things: work and school. On of which inspired frustration, the other - oddly enough - inspired inspired an interesting thought while on break.

July: I tried and failed at poetry slamming.

August: Back to school. I had some struggles with language, went whale watching, and found a new in-class distraction.

September: I had a couple of conflicts with friends, leaving me feeling what can only be described as disillusioned. I recounted one of the most unusual and personally shocking conflicts of the year here, against my better judgement.

October: My favorite month, when fall is in full swing. October left me dealing with even more uncertainty and making some big decisions.

November: November left me feeling the effects of some of my decisions. It also brought more worries.

December: The long fight to the end of the semester comes to an end. It's break. Finally, FINALLY, I can breathe.. At least until spring semester.

The highlighted words are links to the posts from each month that I best feel sum up what I was going through at the time. The process of writing this post has really shed light on everything I have been through in 2010. A big part of me wants to automatically write this year off as a failure, but I'm slowly proving to myself what I HAVE managed to accomplish. I feel like this year, I've really begun to actually fight for the things I want and believe. I have gotten into - even started - a lot of arguments this year not because I wanted a fight, but because I saw that something wasn't right, a double standard, or felt like I was being taken advantage of. I'm trying to think of 2010 as a building year - not necessarily one I will remember in detail, but one that will make the memorable years possible.

So from someone who's always looking to the future, here's to the past.

Vintage Photos

2011-01-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

I've always loved old photographs, and how the allow you to imagine the kind of lives the people in them led. Were these people friends? Family? Was that one of their fondest memories? Or just another day lost to time?

I bought these at the local flea market, and already have some plans in mind for them...

Magnet Poetry - 1/2/11

2011-01-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

By yours truely.

Tisn't the Season

2010-12-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

I cant believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It just doesn't feel real. I've been doing all of the Christmas time usuals - listening to music, wrapping presents, watching the movies, somehow it just doesn't feel real. Maybe it's because this year I haven't really gone to any big Christmas get togethers, and I don't have a conventional job like I did last year - where there is lots of decorations and music as a constant reminder.

It makes me a little sad to think that Christmas will be over before I've really had a chance to enjoy it. The fact that I've been house-bound (more or less) for a week due to rain isn't exactly helping this funk I'm in, either.

I feel bad that I wasn't able to buy my friend and family super fantastical gifts this year (especially when I hear about the gifts that my friends have bought), but I am flat out broke, and my savings is something I want to keep for when I really need it - I refuse to dip into it anymore. That being said, I am so excited to give my sister her gift, but I'm afraid that I've built it up so much that she will be a little disappointed. She doesn't read this, so I have no problem talking about it.

She is a Beatles freak who doesn't own a clock - so I made her one out of a real record using pictures of the beatles! I'm not exactly sure how useful it will be for actually keeping time, but like I said, she doesn't actually use a clock anyway.

Anyways, that's it for now. Merry Christmas everyone!

But Maybe I'm not the one who's stuck

2010-12-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

My brain is stuck in an elevator

traveling back and forth between what

was and what is.

maybe this elevator should move a little straighter

because what could have been always falls into the mix

My ears are made a notebook

scribed with the sound of every look and sigh

your voice's nervous cracks and missteps

both pretending not to look

It's all we had and it's all that's left

My eyes are glued on spotlights trying to find

a way to find - your face

looking, looking, looking

for a sight that's too unkind

and doesn't know it's place

Dead Batteries and The Electric Friendship Generator.

2010-12-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm tired right now and not thinking straight. Every ounce of me wants to leave school, skip my meeting, and go home to just sleep. Well, every ounce except the one that controls my motor functions. Dang.

I was up pretty late doing homework last night, and even after eight hours of work, I still feel like I've accomplished nothing. Sometimes I work fantastically under stress, and other times I just sort of fall of the face of the earth. I'm leaning towards the latter right now.

Last night was the submission deadline for state schools, and I sort of think of my fate as now being sealed. Yes, there are still privates to do, but those are more of a long shot. Even though I still haven't decided where I want to go, I had been fairly confident in my possible choices up until yesterday. Then, for some reason, I had a freak out moment, and sent in an application to an extra school that I hadn't been planning on. Now I just keep running those applications through my head.

Did I forget an extracurriculars I've done?
Oh god, I hope I didn't accidentally get charged twice because I forgot to check a box when I filled out the credit card info.
Wow, my personal statements were crap weren't they. And my additional comments? Who in the hell puts additional comments! People who don't get in, that's who.

From the moment I woke up this morning, I've had a bad feeling, and it just keeps getting worse. (Although, the sketchy cafeteria food I paid way too much for might have something to do with it). Not to mention I recently had a slight disagreement with the teacher whom I have next. I really would like to not have an awkward private discussion about it with him. Really. Really Really.

All of this, and finals are still two and a half weeks aways. Next week, things get even worse.

In the mean time, it's not all doom and gloom. Here is a hilarious video about facebook that I found. Enjoy.

2010-11-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

I'm worried that I'll get used and won't be able to stop it.
I'm worried that I wont get into college.
I'm worried that winterguard wont come together.
I'm worried that I will have to choose one school.
I'm worried that I won't get to choose one school.
I'm worried that I'm doing to much.
I'm worried that I'm not doing enough.
I'm worried that I'm missing out on people and things.
I'm worried because I don't know how not to.
I'm worried because I don't know if this change is good or bad.

Insanity.

2010-11-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

That's really the only word that can describe what my past month has been like. I celebrated my 19th birthday, went to the spa, wondered WHY kids are spending their halloween at a carnival instead of trick or treating (there really isn't anything wrong with carnivals, but trick or treating is a right of passage! I mean come on!), I've been busting my butt at school, and really not seeing any of the results. Oh yeah, and I quit my job.

Victory dance.

But, as usual, the second I cut something out of my life to make more room for - well - me, something else always gets in the way. My commitments that I made early in the year are becomming more and more consuming. Not that I necessarily object to that. I mean, I'm worn out now, but I'm sure I would hate never having anything to do just as much.

Ha. haha. ha. I'm just going to keep telling myself that.

I'm not sure how many of you know this, but I teach a color guard. When I started, It was a mad panic to get work filled in and to make sure the girls knew how to do all of it. But now, I have to start the whole process over from the begining, with MY decisions on the music and costumes and what not. It's all up to ME, and the anxiety and desire to give the girls and myself something we can all be proud of is driving me crazy. I swear, if I have to listen to one more possible winter guard song I may just shoot myself.

I love teaching though, and it only solidifies my choice in going to school to become a teacher. One major downside though is that i haven't gotten paid yet, and I really need the money. Teaching, I make about $400 less a month than I did at my old job, and I had decided that this was OK because I would be enjoying myself. But, now, I really just need the money.

With all of this strees, I think another spa trip may be in order.

There are still tons of exciting things I have to fill you in on (I promise they are actually worth reading, unlike this sorry rant), but I'm late for class. Stay tuned friends.

Trauma Ramma

2010-10-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

Drama doesn't bother me anymore.

   -Ok, so maybe that's a lie.

Drama is for wossies.

   -Another lie.

I just don't care about drama anymore!

   -'Aint that the truth.

I feel like I have actually reached the threshold for the amount of drama a human being can withstand in one lifetime. In high school, it was impossible to escape drama. In college, you can only escape it if you choose to not have any friends or a job. I used to take it all so personally - but honestly? I just don't care about it anyomore!

Wait, rewind that. Let me clarify - if one of my friends is having a terrible time, I care. If someone thinks that I am doing a terrible job, I care. I care and I get angry or sad or whatever the situation calls for - and then I stop. I just let it go and not let it bother me any more. Unfortunatly, this is a new adaptation - and really, it's just that. An adaptation.

I think that maybe this new development in my life is the result of one thing: I don't think that I have ever had more faith in myself. When I say that, I don't mean that I think I can do anything and everything, but for the first time I really trust that the decisions I make are the right ones; the right ones for me.

2010-10-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

What's worse? Letting others down or letting yourself down.

Surprisingly, the answer isn't always so clear.

I Wish I Had More Fall Leaves

2010-10-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

2010-10-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with halloween.

Making Room

2010-10-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have had to make some big decisions form myself this past week, and I still have more to come. For someone who loves new experiences, I also thrive on the constancy and predictability in my every day life. But that's been missing for a while now, and it certainly isn't comming back any time soon. It's time for me to get back to basics, back to the life that a year ago I hated (how strange that now, that's the only thing I really want). I can't help but feel that I'm letting some people down in the process, but I've got to live my life the only way I know how.

I'm not super student. I can't survive being an overtime student, working two jobs, and making everyone happy in the process.

I can't believe that I've forgoted how to do the things that I want to do. I don't even remember what those words mean anymore.

What to Expect...Or Not to Expect

2010-09-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I am currently taking an online child psychology/development class. Part of the class is that each week we are given a small project to complete, and must post about our findings on the class discussion board. For this week's project, we were asked to use an agency that would typically give information about pregnancy and birth (with out using the internet) and see what, if any, resources they had for expectant mothers that are either illiterate or come from low income and underprivileged areas.

Most people were calling hospitals or planned parenthood, and I wanted to go in a different direction. So, I opened the yellow pages to "clinics" and found one specifically for pregnant woman and mothers. I thought, "this is perfect! An organization with one main focus must be more likely to offer services to underprivileged women!". Boy was I wrong.

I called the clinic, and told the woman who answered that I was working on a school assignment and had a few questions about their programs and information they had available. She quickly told me that I would have to call the "business office", and I thought, "hey, no big deal". When I reached the office, the phone answered to an automated message, pretty typical, but instead of options such as "questions" and "appointments", the only place the machine would let me go from there was to contact specific people. Literally, it said, "to talk to Mary press one, to talk to Bob press two". So I did the only thing I could think of, press 0 for operator.

Once again, I explained to the woman who answered the phone that I was a student and just wanted to find out about their programs and information available. Immediately she told me to contact the clinic, and when I assured her that they had given me this number she put me on hold. When she returned, she simply said "We cannot answer any questions, we don't have enough staffing". Obviously this lady thought that I wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, because I had just listened to a listing of all the supervisors who worked there ( a lot) and undoubtedly these weren't their only employees.

By this point I was furious that no one would answer my simple question, and so I asked "What would you do if you had an actual client call who had a question? Would you really tell them you didn't have the staffing?" She just gave an angry sigh and told me there was nothing she could do. Fuming, I pick up the home phone, called back to the main clinic, and before the receptionist even had a second to say "hello" asked, "What information and programs do you have for underprivileged women?!"
"Are you pregnant?" I knew if I said I was a student again she wouldn't answer my question.
"No, but a close friend of mine is. She has very poor reading skills and comes from a poor area. Do you offer anything that can help her?"

"Ummmm... Ummmm..." At this point I'm thinking, you have got to be kidding me..

"Well" she finally said, "We do have a lecture series on how to discipline children and build their confidence. Why don't you just have her call me?"

Perfect. The only thing you can do for a poor, illiterate woman is teach her about time-outs. Needless to say, this left me unspeakably shocked and angry. There are many teen mothers, and women who become pregnant without the means or education to take care of themselves or their unborn child. I am so disappointed that even a place that should be devoted to education and support doesn't offer anything to the people who need it most.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Different Paths

2010-09-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Undoubtedly the biggest thing that I've learned in two years of college is just how polarized the real world is (what exactly constitutes a real world anyways? God knows it certainly isn't logic, sanity, kindness, or any of those other things you would expect). I have always known and been friends with people of different beliefs - personal, political and religious - but it never really made much of a difference to anyone because, hey, we still got along and that was all that really mattered. In college, or at least at my college, it's almost as if people have to prove just how loud they can scream (almost like when all of us first graders would have screaming contests back in elementary school). Atheists are "educating" the religious, the religious are preaching to the "non believers", republicans and democrats constantly fight with each other, I could go on and on. It's like world war 3 inbetween statistics and English.

But I know what you're thinking.

Amanda, have you ever seen the news before?

Why yes. Yes I have. But the news isn't supposed to dead lock study groups, and it shouldn't cause brawls in the cafeteria.

But believe it or not, the news really isn't what I wanted to write about today. It's marriage.

Before one of my classes this afternoon, I was discussing with a friend which schools I would be applying to in a couple of weeks (I am transferring next year). When I casually mentioned that one of the schools I was looking into was an all girls school, she was pretty shocked.
"Why would you want to go to an all girls school? How are you going to meet your husband?" was her response.
"I'll let you know once I've met him" Was my answer after the surprise subsided. It was in my head, anyways. The truth is, the idea of going to an all girl school makes me a little nervous, sure, and there isn't anything wrong with getting married. But that is not why I am going to school. Even if I went to a school that didn't allow boys, it isn't like I would be stranded on a desert island with only my fellow females, and I almost certainly won't be rushing to get married after college (I will only be 22 if everything goes according to plan).

The truth is, that my entire life and existence has been one big preparation for "the future". Why else do I go to school and take more classes that I could care less about than classes I look forward to? The future. Why do I save as much money as I possibly can? The future. Is it so wrong to selfishly live in the moment and enjoy doing the things that I want to do in the way that I want to do them? A couple of years ago, I would have whole heartily agreed with this friend and the majority of the other girls at my polarized school, back when I was all "oh, true love! Destiny! Yadda Yadda!". But right now I just want to live part of my life for myself before I worry about sharing the rest of it with someone else.

When I said, "Maybe some people just aren't meant to get married" she just rolled her eyes. And sure, it would kill me to die an unmarried hag and never have kids or a family. But that doesn't mean that I have to make it my prime directive at the moment, either.

My eighteen year old path is a short one, and eventually it will meet me up with someone else. But for now, I'm taking my time.

I find it odd that in a place with so many different beliefs and goals, this one is making me stick out.

The People

2010-09-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Where have all the words gone?
Flown away for short or for long -
replaced with the yells and cries and petty lies
that swarm our silly world.
The things that never matter much
are the things we have in abundance.

Im am a wanderer through the dust
crying just to see.
but the words are all gone now
leaving our monotony.

The things that never matter much
are the things we have in abundance.
The dreams and the faith and the love -
there's never enough.

The people still march on,
the ones who don't know thy're lost
find the greatest reward
and risk the greatest cost.

The best 2 bucks I Ever Spent

2010-08-31T07:24:00.000-07:00

Target, amongst all of their school supplies, is selling notebook THAT YOU CAN COLOR IN.

I bought it, of course. It's not like I'm in college or anything. Here is my current progress:

I love how now when I'm waiting for my late college professors I can do something fun AND productive (well, kinda).

Thats all for now.

Achoo!

2010-08-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

School, work, and a cold make for a very brain dead Amanda. Expect the usual musing post early in the week.

For now, some cool stuff on Etsy.

Surprisingly, there are tons of these super cool sketches and prints on vintage book pages. This one is on a dictionary page, but there are some on pages from novels and refrence books. Not to mention, you can find a picture of almost anything.

These wonderfully unique pieces are not only fascinating to look at on all elevels, but they are a great conversation pieces. And at about $7-10 a piece, they are very affordable.

These pictures are offered by several Etsy sellers, but these images are from Winterberry Cottage

Birds of a Feather

2010-08-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

"Whale" Watching

2010-08-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

This morning I went whale watching (actually, it was more like dolphin watching since I didn't see any whales), and what an incredible experience. It was amazing getting to see these beautiful and playful animals swimming right next to our boat.

Best joke of the day: Captain - "How do you know it's a sea lion?" Me - "Because it's lion down"

What I'm thinking at 12 am.

2010-08-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

As an English major and aspiring teacher/writer, I'm kind of obsessed with words. Language is such a magnificent invention - allowing us to share ideas, expression, and who we are as a people - and see how all of this changes throughout history.

Being such a word geek, nothing shakes me more than not being able to find enough words to express myself; to say everything that needs to be said.

When this happens out of beauty and joy, we call it awe.
When it happens out of pain and confusion, well, that can be a very terrible thing.

Music I Loving - August 2, 2010

2010-08-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

I've always kind of though of music as being representative of the way society views itself. It is the underlying pulse behind most social gatherings, and quite literally the expressive heartbeat for anyone who sings, plays, dances, or just listens. Accordingly, the music almost always seems to reflect the desires or tone of those who enjoy it.

Here are three songs that I am really loving right now: The Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine, Blank White Page by Mumford and Sons, and Animals by Neon Trees. So what do my recent music choices say about me?

Lets just say it's something a little unsure, but optimistic.

It Didn't.

2010-07-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

For several reasons, last night the poetry slam did not go down.

Actually, there are really only two reasons.
1) we thought it started at 8, and it started at 7, so by the time we got there the list had been made and people were already performing.

2) as it got later we probably could have tacked our names onto the end of the list, but it was a small crowd (a lot of people had left) and I had already decided that if I was going to do this, then I would to it full out and to an audience.

Even though I was somewhat relieved, I'm more than a little disappointed that I didn't get to get up there. I want to see what that instant feedback is really like.

I will go back there, and I will read something - eventually. It's hard to find a Wednesday that I don't have to work.

But it will happen.

I thought I Already Conquered This Beast

2010-07-21T15:38:00.001-07:00

I'm supposed to slam tonight.

Holy crap.

For those of you who don't know, "slamming" is when you read a poem, or some other piece you have written for an audience (think coffee, berets, and snapping - and only not as steryotypical and cheesey). I have been to this coffee house's open mic night a couple times to watch, and now my best friend is making me get up there and slam.

And I am freaking out!

When I first started this blog, I was pretty nervous - even embarrassed - about posting all of my writings for the world to see, but before long I became more accustomed to it. It even started to feel a little exciting. Now look at me - I love blogging.

But there is something about getting up in front of complete strangers and actually reading something I have written. If it bombs, I will know. There's just no getting around it. I still haven't even decided what I'm going to read; every time I think I have my mind set on a poem, I practice it out loud, and I am then horrified at how it sounds audibly. Not to mention the lack of *spark*. Am I just being extremely self conscious, or have I always sucked this much?

I have no clue what I'm going to do, but I better figure it out lickedy split.
wish me luck.

Free Stuff

2010-07-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

It's cold here.

And it's raining.

In July.

Last time I checked, I lived in Southern California. Temps should be (at the very least) in the high 80s. According to the little news blips that pop up on yahoo, New York is in the middle of a heat wave. Hey New York, want to trade??

Normally I love cold weather, but wearing Ugg boots and sweat shirts when I was hoping to be going to the beach is kind of messing with my summer.

But, you all could probably care less about my weather woes, which is why I'm hooking you guys up with a chance to win free stuff! Just head on over to http://tresorsmarche.blogspot.com/ and enter her lovely contest!

TTFN. (ta ta for now ;D )

The Rant You Probably Could Care Less About

2010-06-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

I've been a busy bee lately.

But Amanda, it's summer, how can that be?

Two words my friends: summer session.

You see, I am extremely dedicated to transferring schools after only two years (it takes most people 3 years to aquire enough units [60] and get all of their g.e.'s out of the way). Seeing as last year was year numero uno, that means I only have one more year to get everything into place - and have to start applying to colleges in October (to which I often say "wait a second - didn't I JUST do all of that nonsense when I graduated high school?" Yes. Yes I did.)

The only way to even come close to getting enough classes done is to take summer session, which is kind of a wrench in the whole "summer vacation" thing.

Before you get tired of my whining and stop reading, hear me out.

Summer classes are 6 to 8 weeks long, where as the normal class in 14 to 16 weeks long. This means that instead of going to class 2-3 days a week for an hour and twenty minutes (per class), I go to class 2-3 days a week for three, to sometimes 3 and a half hours a day per class (the later occurring when the teacher holds us late, which happens somewhat frequently. Plus, being the nerd that I am, I like to stay and ask questions).

Now, for the most part the extended class time doesn't bother me too much, but what does is the homework. Ideally, summer classes cover the same amount of material in a shorter amount of time, which usually means piling a weeks worth of homework onto one night. Not to mention that term papers and projects, which are usually given significant class time to go over, now just sort of get lost in the mix, leaving me feeling thoroughly unprepared.

I've just started a second summer class, and I have about five hours of reading to do. Not counting researching my presentation topic and listing to online lectures/online discussion board.

And I work 5 days this week.

Ya... Go me.

While I am thankful that summer classes are offered, I wonder if the time crunch combined with the fact that it is, after all, summer is somewhat detrimental to the whole learning process. I love going to class and getting to discuss what I have learned, but with all the stress of what I have to accomplish, It really is all to easy to simply do the work, rather than care about the work.

This was a lot easier last year when I took a summer class. An intro to psych course, the class was really interesting, and something I looked forward to. But, last year Psych 1 was my only summer class, and I wasn't working - in other words, a minority in the community college world.
Sometimes people at work or school ask me how I do it all, and still manage to get relatively good grades. My answer? What else can I do? These are the cards I've been dealt, and now I have to suck it up and get it done.

We are not the geniuses, just the technicians.

2010-06-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

One of the principle truths of human kind is that we are constantly searching for answers. Another truth is that every culture, ethnicity and religion has their own idea of what the "big questions" really are, and their own perspective on the solutions to these questions. With so many people focusing their energy on answers of the universe, God, true love, human purpose, and every other school of thought that can be found printed on an over priced notebook - we forget why we began searching in the first place. We treat all of these questions like a highly complex math equation (with many groups logically viewing it in their own terms), and regard the answers as a holy grail of power - just look at how many wars have been fought over which school of thought gets to write the book on human existence. But, at the heart of all these questions and answers is very simply, humanity. Our confused sense of self is something that can no more be transcribed onto paper than "true love" can be to some one who has never felt it, or the color red to someone who has never seen. But here is the kicker folks; the one last truth of human kind: we will always try. While we may never be able to find or agree on all of our most important questions (and maybe we are not meant to), it is a process that is unavoidably and undoubtedly human. All of us feel deep down somewhere that these questions are vital to our existence, and that the knowledge will bring us comfort and purpose. Really, the answers have nothing to do with it. It's the act of learning.

Puzzles

2010-05-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Just another one of my thoughts..

If you think about it, puzzles are a lot like people. Most of the time, we start with the edges. This is the basic framework for how we define ourselves and others (and, well, the puzzle) - hometown, occupation, family, likes and dislikes. The farther into the puzzle you get, the more important it is to find those connections. Sometimes pieces grow right from the last spot you worked on, a nice natural progression. Other times, you build chunks of the image, but it just sits there without place because you haven't built the foundation for it to sit in yet. Every now and then a color or an image will give away that all important players spot on the board, and with out much thought it gets filled in. This is easy. most of the time though, it's not. We spend so much time searching for the right pieces that will set our life up exactly the way we want, that we miss the pieces that are right in front of us. Or even still, we try to force those pieces into places where they don't belong, willing them to change form. The truth is, even if we've got the picture on the box to help us, the puzzle never turns out exactly as we plan. If we are lucky, we will be left with a beautiful picture and a sense of accomplishment. But sometimes we are left with one missing piece. That tiny little hole that is never really appreciated until the very end. That's probably the way most of our puzzles will end - with the missing obstacle or opportunity never conquered. But, the thing that so many people forget is that, even with that one little spot, it's still a damn pretty picture.

FIVE things

2010-05-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

School's out! Finals are over! Summer! I'm free!!!!!!
- Wait, what? Summer semester starts Tuesday?.... Bummer.
For now, here are 5 things you never knew about me (and probably never cared much too either).

1. I cut corners. Literally, whenever I walk through the doorway, I pass by too close to the edge and end up walking into the wall. And yet, it surprises me every time. How's that for poor depth perception?

2. I really enjoy reading young adult novels (books that are targeted at middle school/high school students). I realize that these books aren't exactly aimed at a reader like me, but there is something kind of refreshing about being able to read a book and enjoy it on purely a surface level. It's not that I don't love complex books with symbolism and all that other stuff (or that young adult books can't include any of those things, because some do), but it's nice to just hear a story and not get lost in all of the other extra tidbits. I also especially love the books with adventure and super natural elements. I think this largely has to do with the fact that I am boring, and like to live vicariously through the characters.

3. The way I picture myself in my mind isn't even remotely close to the way I actually look in real life.

4. Have you ever considered the possibility that we all see colors differently? My green could be your purple (and so on). We would never know, because it is relatively impossible to describe colors. Sure, we could say "it's bright" or "it's dark", but with so many different shades of every color, those statements could apply to all of them. We would never know that other people see a different color, because everyone could still determine two things of the same color. It sounds weird, and for a while I thought it was just another of my crazy thoughts, but come on - it could totally work.

5. Whenever I'm in class and the teacher looks me in the eyes, I try my hardest not to look away. For some reason, I always feel like it is some kind of Jedi test - and it must be, because whenever I do this, the teacher just keeps staring right back. Then it gets uncomfortable, and either the teacher looks away first and I smile thinking "that's right, whose a ninja Jedi cool person", or I cant stand it any longer, and pretend like I had just zoned out and happened to be mentally asleep in the teacher's direction.

So, what are the 5 things no one knows about you?

2010-05-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

you're here and then you're gone
but echo on and on
the words from your song
that we played and we sang and we dreamed

come to me please
are we ever free?
were you ever mine?
will you ever be?

with screams and choas
we are lost
no one ever knows the cost
of the life we're meant to live

you're here and then you're gone
but echo on and on
the words from your song
that we played and we sang and we dreamed

I could try to close my eyes
to the harshest claim of lies
that secret old thought cries
Why me? Why me?

come to me please
are we ever free?
were you ever mine?
and will you ever be?

Happiness

2010-05-04T22:10:00.001-07:00

is a perfume you cannot pour onto others without getting a few drops on yourself.
~Emerson

I was going through my bookshelf today when a note card with this quote written on it fell out. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Don't you love it when little things like that happen?

Steel Strings

2010-05-03T12:49:00.001-07:00

Perfect memories
of everything we once lived;
bubbles painted red
by the harshest of whispers.

so funny
those places where we walked
when you had something to prove.
Oh those old ghosts-
they know how your face could make me stop.

Though time and road have ruined us
and you pretend it was all a dream
when you look this way I
can't help but hope things aren't what they seem

that you still miss it like I thought I miss you.

these words are etched on steel strings.

Hug Bucket

2010-04-29T15:29:00.001-07:00

I have recently made a fantastic discovery, the hug bucket.

And this video should explain what a hug bucket is (if you don't want to watch the whole video, you can just fast forward to 1:06)

I love hugs. People who know me well know that I'm not a super touchy feely person. I have my bubble, and I don't like when people pop my bubble (although I do frequently pop other people bubbles. I'm difficult, aren't I?) But I love hugs - a lot.

So here is my hug bucket (so far):
-An astronaut
-Will Smith
-My "long lost" Italian relatives (even though they're not really lost. I've just never met them)
-Someone associated with the harry Potter books/movies
-my future children/grandchildren
-my "true love"
-a published writer and/or poet
-a cool indie-type musician
-a fellow blogger (who isn't a member of my family or my best friends. Sorry guys, you're already in the hug bucket)

The list is still a work in progress, but I'd love to know who is on your hug bucket list?

Trains are fun, and so are Soap Operas.

2010-04-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Sitting and looking out of a train window is kind of like watching a movie. On TV, significant, beautiful, and sad things all happen at an unrealistically fast pace, simply because they have a time slot to fill, and hey - things have to stay interesting. Just take any soap opera. In the span of a few short episodes people die, get married and divorced, have babies etc. etc.

In the real world things move much slower. While feelings and decisions may have a pivotal moment when things "change", these are still often the result of many actions and decisions building up over a long period of time. The funny thing about this is that, if you accept that many of our actions are the results of other actions - or even just our individual personalities - then nothing should surprise us. It should be easy to figure out who will fall in love with whom, or what the outcome of certain political events will be, but that's the thing - it never is. We are all so preoccupied with, well, everything, that we never really can focus on just one thing.

I've long felt that the answers are always right in front of us, we just don't know how to see them.

When you're on a train, things are going by fast - but not ridiculously so. You pass by a school, a soccer game, anything, and are given only a short amount of time to see and make of it what you will. But unlike soap operas, those people going on with their daily lives are under no obligation to be interesting, or special, or anything other than what they are. In this they are not crazy or unrealistic, they are simply human. So when you are riding by on a train, with the world passing in front of you, you are getting to watch the best movie ever made: the movie of life, minus all of the fuss.

I've included some photos from a recent train ride, I hope you enjoy.

Stress

2010-04-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have been under an unimaginable amount of stress lately. Suddenly, all of my teachers have given me monstrous amounts of homework (I think I have written more essay in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life), not to mention I have been working a little bit more than usual. And, with the end of the semester approaching, registration for summer classes is coming up. I have been trying to make an appointment with a counselor to find out exactly what classes I need to take, but for some reason my i.d. number isn't registering in the online appointment maker-thing. So I call in, go on hold for 45 minutes to find out all the appointments for next week are full (appointments are made a week in advanced) and to call back in Monday.

This of course, leads to the "I'm not going to be able to register for the right classes! I'm going to mess up and be at community college for three years - not two! I'm never going to graduate! I'm destined to be a hobo!!!!!!!!".

Now, before you say anything, yes - I know I'm over reacting. But can you blame me?

OK. So maybe you can..

Luckily for me, today is my dad's birthday, and this Friday and Saturday I will be in a nice hotel room by the beach in San Diego. No work, no homework (hopefully).

I can't wait!

Rants about Cartoons, Twins.

2010-04-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

Way back before Hannah Montana, in that time of classic Sunday morning cartoons known as the 90s, there was a little show called "Recess". Now, Recess never had the success of shows like "Hey Arnold", "Rugrats", or "Doug" (which I loved) but it was enjoyable enough.

There was one episode of Recess where the "gang" (the show followed a group of friends in elementary school) was playing in a kickball tournament against another school. When the other team showed up, they quickly noticed that each person had their counterpart from the other school - someone who looked and acted enough like the person for each of the characters to be a little freaked out. Now, obviously this is just some silly t.v. show, but it left my 7 year self thinking that I had a twin living in China.

So, whats my point??

What if we really do all have a twin out there? I'm sure we have all been in that situation where we are in the supermarket and think we see someone who looks like that one guy from that one place and start waving like a lunatic only to realize (too late) that we have never met the person before. But what if it goes even farther than that? Oscar Wilde said "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions and quotation." The idea that everything you think or feel has been thought and felt by someone else before isn't exactly a new one (although it's one that I'm sure many people disagree with), but if some of the things that we as human beings find the most important on an emotional level aren't at all unique, could you make the argument that we aren't at all unique on a physical level.

It sounds a little crazy, and the fact that today I'm running on 3 hours of sleep probably doesn't help this at all, but I still think that it is an interesting notion. After being surrounded by different groups of people in college than I was in high school, I am constantly seeing or meeting people who make me think dang, the are a lot like so and so. Heck, it seems like I can't even watch a YouTube video with out being reminded of someone I know.

If you're wondering if this post is supposed to mean that I actually believe that we all have a "twin" somewhere out there, it doesn't. Truthfully, while I find it an interesting topic to think about, it is also something I have a hard time wrapping my head around on a real, or even personal level. Is there another one of me out there? Am I unique at all? I would hate to think that I'm not.

Any opinions on this topic? I would love to hear your thoughts.