Tisn't the Season

I cant believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It just doesn't feel real. I've been doing all of the Christmas time usuals - listening to music, wrapping presents, watching the movies, somehow it just doesn't feel real. Maybe it's because this year I haven't really gone to any big Christmas get togethers, and I don't have a conventional job like I did last year - where there is lots of decorations and music as a constant reminder.

It makes me a little sad to think that Christmas will be over before I've really had a chance to enjoy it. The fact that I've been house-bound (more or less) for a week due to rain isn't exactly helping this funk I'm in, either.

I feel bad that I wasn't able to buy my friend and family super fantastical gifts this year (especially when I hear about the gifts that my friends have bought), but I am flat out broke, and my savings is something I want to keep for when I really need it - I refuse to dip into it anymore. That being said, I am so excited to give my sister her gift, but I'm afraid that I've built it up so much that she will be a little disappointed. She doesn't read this, so I have no problem talking about it.

She is a Beatles freak who doesn't own a clock - so I made her one out of a real record using pictures of the beatles! I'm not exactly sure how useful it will be for actually keeping time, but like I said, she doesn't actually use a clock anyway.

Anyways, that's it for now. Merry Christmas everyone!

But Maybe I'm not the one who's stuck

My brain is stuck in an elevator

traveling back and forth between what

 was and what is.

 maybe this elevator should move a little straighter

because what could have been always falls into the mix

My ears are made a notebook

scribed with the sound of every look and sigh

your voice's nervous cracks and missteps

both pretending not to look

It's all we had and it's all that's left

My eyes are glued on spotlights trying to find

a way to find - your face

looking, looking, looking

for a sight that's too unkind

and doesn't know it's place

Dead Batteries and The Electric Friendship Generator.

I'm tired right now and not thinking straight. Every ounce of me wants to leave school, skip my meeting, and go home to just sleep. Well, every ounce except the one that controls my motor functions. Dang.

I was up pretty late doing homework last night, and even after eight hours of work, I still feel like I've accomplished nothing. Sometimes I work fantastically under stress, and other times I just sort of fall of the face of the earth. I'm leaning towards the latter right now.

Last night was the submission deadline for state schools, and I sort of think of my fate as now being sealed. Yes, there are still privates to do, but those are more of a long shot. Even though I still haven't decided where I want to go, I had been fairly confident in my possible choices up until yesterday. Then, for some reason, I had a freak out moment, and sent in an application to an extra school that I hadn't been planning on. Now I just keep running those applications through my head.

Did I forget an extracurriculars I've done?
Oh god, I hope I didn't accidentally get charged twice because I forgot to check a box when I filled out the credit card info.
Wow, my personal statements were crap weren't they. And my additional comments? Who in the hell puts additional comments! People who don't get in, that's who.

From the moment I woke up this morning, I've had a bad feeling, and it just keeps getting worse. (Although, the sketchy cafeteria food I paid way too much for might have something to do with it). Not to mention I recently had a slight disagreement with the teacher whom I have next. I really would like to not have an awkward private discussion about it with him. Really. Really Really.

All of this, and finals are still two and a half weeks aways. Next week, things get even worse.

In the mean time, it's not all doom and gloom. Here is a hilarious video about facebook that I found. Enjoy.

I'm worried that I'll get used and won't be able to stop it.
I'm worried that I wont get into college.
I'm worried that winterguard wont come together.
I'm worried that I will have to choose one school.
I'm worried that I won't get to choose one school.
I'm worried that I'm doing to much.
I'm worried that I'm not doing enough.
I'm worried that I'm missing out on people and things.
I'm worried because I don't know how not to.
I'm worried because I don't know if this change is good or bad.

Insanity.

That's really the only word that can describe what my past month has been like. I celebrated my 19th birthday, went to the spa, wondered WHY kids are spending their halloween at a carnival instead of trick or treating (there really isn't anything wrong with carnivals, but trick or treating is a right of passage! I mean come on!), I've been busting my butt at school, and really not seeing any of the results. Oh yeah, and I quit my job.

Victory dance.

But, as usual, the second I cut something out of my life to make more room for - well - me, something else always gets in the way. My commitments that I made early in the year are becomming more and more consuming. Not that I necessarily object to that. I mean, I'm worn out now, but I'm sure I would hate never having anything to do just as much.

Ha. haha. ha. I'm just going to keep telling myself that.

I'm not sure how many of you know this, but I teach a color guard. When I started, It was a mad panic to get work filled in and to make sure the girls knew how to do all of it. But now, I have to start the whole process over from the begining, with MY decisions on the music and costumes and what not. It's all up to ME, and the anxiety and desire to give the girls and myself something we can all be proud of is driving me crazy. I swear, if I have to listen to one more possible winter guard song I may just shoot myself.

I love teaching though, and it only solidifies my choice in going to school to become a teacher. One major downside though is that i haven't gotten paid yet, and I really need the money. Teaching, I make about $400 less a month than I did at my old job, and I had decided that this was OK because I would be enjoying myself. But, now, I really just need the money.

With all of this strees, I think another spa trip may be in order.

There are still tons of exciting things I have to fill you in on (I promise they are actually worth reading, unlike this sorry rant), but I'm late for class. Stay tuned friends.

Trauma Ramma

Drama doesn't bother me anymore.
 
   -Ok, so maybe that's a lie.

Drama is for wossies.

   -Another lie.

I just don't care about drama anymore!

   -'Aint that the truth.

I feel like I have actually reached the threshold for the amount of drama a human being can withstand in one lifetime. In high school, it was impossible to escape drama. In college, you can only escape it if you choose to not have any friends or a job. I used to take it all so personally - but honestly? I just don't care about it anyomore!

Wait, rewind that. Let me clarify - if one of my friends is having a terrible time, I care. If someone thinks that I am doing a terrible job, I care. I care and I get angry or sad or whatever the situation calls for - and then I stop. I just let it go and not let it bother me any more. Unfortunatly, this is a new adaptation - and really, it's just that. An adaptation.

I think that maybe this new development in my life is the result of one thing: I don't think that I have ever had more faith in myself. When I say that, I don't mean that I think I can do anything and everything, but for the first time I really trust that the decisions I make are the right ones; the right ones for me.

What's worse? Letting others down or letting yourself down.

Surprisingly, the answer isn't always so clear.

I Wish I Had More Fall Leaves

I'm obsessed with halloween.

Making Room

I have had to make some big decisions form myself this past week, and I still have more to come. For someone who loves new experiences, I also thrive on the constancy and predictability in my every day life. But that's been missing for a while now, and it certainly isn't comming back any time soon. It's time for me to get back to basics, back to the life that a year ago I hated (how strange that now, that's the only thing I really want). I can't help but feel that I'm letting some people down in the process, but I've got to live my life the only way I know how.

I'm not super student. I can't survive being an overtime student, working two jobs, and making everyone happy in the process.

I can't believe that I've forgoted how to do the things that I want to do. I don't even remember what those words mean anymore.

What to Expect...Or Not to Expect

For those of you who don't know, I am currently taking an online child psychology/development class. Part of the class is that each week we are given a small project to complete, and must post about our findings on the class discussion board. For this week's project, we were asked to use an agency that would typically give information about pregnancy and birth (with out using the internet) and see what, if any, resources they had for expectant mothers that are either illiterate or come from low income and underprivileged areas.

Most people were calling hospitals or planned parenthood, and I wanted to go in a different direction. So, I opened the yellow pages to "clinics" and found one specifically for pregnant woman and mothers. I thought, "this is perfect! An organization with one main focus must be more likely to offer services to underprivileged women!".   Boy was I wrong.

I called the clinic, and told the woman who answered that I was working on a school assignment and had a few questions about their programs and information they had available. She quickly told me that I would have to call the "business office", and I thought, "hey, no big deal". When I reached the office, the phone answered to an automated message, pretty typical, but instead of options such as "questions" and "appointments", the only place the machine would let me go from there was to contact specific people. Literally, it said, "to talk to Mary press one, to talk to Bob press two". So I did the only thing I could think of, press 0 for operator.

Once again, I explained to the woman who answered the phone that  I was a student and just wanted to find out about their programs and information available. Immediately she told me to contact the clinic, and when I assured her that they had given me this number she put me on hold. When she returned, she simply said "We cannot answer any questions, we don't have enough staffing". Obviously this lady thought that I wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, because I had just listened to a listing of all the supervisors who worked there ( a lot) and undoubtedly these weren't their only employees.

By this point I was furious that no one would answer my simple question, and so I asked "What would you do if you had an actual client call who had a question? Would you really tell them you didn't have the staffing?" She just gave an angry sigh and told me there was nothing she could do. Fuming, I pick up the home phone, called back to the main clinic, and before the receptionist even had a second to say "hello" asked, "What information and programs do you have for underprivileged women?!"
"Are you pregnant?" I knew if I said I was a student again she wouldn't answer my question.
"No, but a close friend of mine is. She has very poor reading skills and comes from a poor area. Do you offer anything that can help her?"

"Ummmm... Ummmm..." At this point I'm thinking, you have got to be kidding me..

"Well" she finally said, "We do have a lecture series on how to discipline children and build their confidence. Why don't you just have her call me?"

Perfect. The only thing you can do for a poor, illiterate woman is teach her about time-outs. Needless to say, this left me unspeakably shocked and angry. There are many teen mothers, and women who become pregnant without the means or education to take care of themselves or their unborn child. I am so disappointed that even a place that should be devoted to education and support doesn't offer anything to the people who need it most.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Different Paths

Undoubtedly the biggest thing that I've learned in two years of college is just how polarized the real world is (what exactly constitutes a real world anyways? God knows it certainly isn't logic, sanity, kindness, or any of those other things you would expect). I have always known and been friends with people of different beliefs - personal, political and religious - but it never really made much of a difference to anyone because, hey, we still got along and that was all that really mattered. In college, or at least at my college, it's almost as if people have to prove just how loud they can scream (almost like when all of us first graders would have screaming contests back in elementary school). Atheists are "educating" the religious, the religious are preaching to the "non believers", republicans and democrats constantly fight with each other, I could go on and on. It's like world war 3 inbetween statistics and English.

But I know what you're thinking.

Amanda, have you ever seen the news before?

Why yes. Yes I have. But the news isn't supposed to dead lock study groups, and it shouldn't cause brawls in the cafeteria.

But believe it or not, the news really isn't what I wanted to write about today.    It's marriage.

Before one of my classes this afternoon, I was discussing with a friend which schools I would be applying to in a couple of weeks (I am transferring next year). When I casually mentioned that one of the schools I was looking into was an all girls school, she was pretty shocked.
"Why would you want to go to an all girls school? How are you going to meet your husband?" was her response.
"I'll let you know once I've met him" Was my answer after the surprise subsided. It was in my head, anyways. The truth is, the idea of going to an all girl school makes me a little nervous, sure, and there isn't anything wrong with getting married. But that is not why I am going to school. Even if I went to a school that didn't allow boys, it isn't like I would be stranded on a desert island with only my fellow females, and I almost certainly won't be rushing to get married after college (I will only be 22 if everything goes according to plan).

The truth is, that my entire life and existence has been one big preparation for "the future". Why else do I go to school and take more classes that I could care less about than classes I look forward to? The future. Why do I save as much money as I possibly can? The future. Is it so wrong to selfishly live in the moment and enjoy doing the things that I want to do in the way that I want to do them? A couple of years ago, I would have whole heartily agreed with this friend and the majority of the other girls at my polarized school, back when I was all "oh, true love! Destiny! Yadda Yadda!". But right now I just want to live part of my life for myself before I worry about sharing the rest of it with someone else.

When I said, "Maybe some people just aren't meant to get married" she just rolled her eyes. And sure, it would kill me to die an unmarried hag and never have kids or a family. But that doesn't mean that I have to make it my prime directive at the moment, either.

My eighteen year old path is a short one, and eventually it will meet me up with someone else. But for now, I'm taking my time.

I find it odd that in a place with so many different beliefs and goals, this one is making me stick out.

The People

Where have all the words gone?
Flown away for short or for long -
replaced with the yells and cries and petty lies
that swarm our silly world.
The things that never matter much
are the things we have in abundance.

Im am a wanderer through the dust
crying just to see.
but the words are all gone now
leaving our monotony.

The things that never matter much
are the things we have in abundance.
The dreams and the faith and the love -
there's never enough.

The people still march on,
the ones who don't know thy're lost
find the greatest reward
and risk the greatest cost.

The best 2 bucks I Ever Spent

Target, amongst all of their school supplies, is selling notebook THAT YOU CAN COLOR IN.

I bought it, of course. It's not like I'm in college or anything. Here is my current progress:

I love how now when I'm waiting for my late college professors I can do something fun AND productive (well, kinda).

Thats all for now.

Achoo!

School, work, and a cold make for a very brain dead Amanda. Expect the usual musing post early in the week.

  For now, some cool stuff on Etsy.

Surprisingly, there are tons of these super cool sketches and prints on vintage book pages. This one is on a dictionary page, but there are some on pages from novels and refrence books. Not to mention, you can find a picture of almost anything.

These wonderfully unique pieces are not only fascinating to look at on all elevels, but they are a great conversation pieces. And at about $7-10 a piece, they are very affordable.

These pictures are offered by several Etsy sellers, but these images are from Winterberry Cottage

Birds of a Feather

"Whale" Watching

This morning I went whale watching (actually, it was more like dolphin watching since I didn't see any whales), and what an incredible experience. It was amazing getting to see these beautiful and playful animals swimming right next to our boat.

Best joke of the day: Captain - "How do you know it's a sea lion?" Me - "Because it's lion down"

What I'm thinking at 12 am.

As an English major and aspiring teacher/writer, I'm kind of obsessed with words. Language is such a magnificent invention - allowing us to share ideas, expression, and who we are as a people - and see how all of this changes throughout history.

Being such a word geek, nothing shakes me more than not being able to find enough words to express myself; to say everything that needs to be said.

When this happens out of beauty and joy, we call it awe.
When it happens out of pain and confusion, well, that can be a very terrible thing.

Music I Loving - August 2, 2010

I've always kind of though of music as being representative of the way society views itself. It is the underlying pulse behind most social gatherings, and quite literally the expressive heartbeat for anyone who sings, plays, dances, or just listens. Accordingly, the music almost always seems to reflect the desires or tone of those who enjoy it.

Here are three songs that I am really loving right now: The Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine, Blank White Page by Mumford and Sons, and Animals by Neon Trees. So what do my recent music choices say about me?

Lets just say it's something a little unsure, but optimistic.

It Didn't.

For several reasons, last night the poetry slam did not go down.

Actually, there are really only two reasons.
1) we thought it started at 8, and it started at 7, so by the time we got there the list had been made and people were already performing.

2) as it got later we probably could have tacked our names onto the end of the list, but it was a small crowd (a lot of people had left) and I had already decided that if I was going to do this, then I would to it full out and to an audience.

Even though I was somewhat relieved, I'm more than a little disappointed that I didn't get to get up there. I want to see what that instant feedback is really like.

I will go back there, and I will read something - eventually. It's hard to find a Wednesday that I don't have to work.

But it will happen.

I thought I Already Conquered This Beast

I'm supposed to slam tonight.

Holy crap.

For those of you who don't know, "slamming" is when you read a poem, or some other piece you have written for an audience (think coffee, berets, and snapping - and only not as steryotypical and cheesey). I have been to this coffee house's open mic night a couple times to watch, and now my best friend is making me get up there and slam.

And I am freaking out!

When I first started this blog, I was pretty nervous - even embarrassed - about posting all of my writings for the world to see, but before long I became more accustomed to it. It even started to feel a little exciting. Now look at me - I love blogging.

But there is something about getting up in front of complete strangers and actually reading something I have written. If it bombs, I will know. There's just no getting around it. I still haven't even decided what I'm going to read; every time I think I have my mind set on a poem, I practice it out loud, and I am then horrified at how it sounds audibly. Not to mention the lack of *spark*. Am I just being extremely self conscious, or have I always sucked this much?

I have no clue what I'm going to do, but I better figure it out lickedy split.
wish me luck.

Free Stuff

It's cold here.

And it's raining.

In July.

Last time I checked, I lived in Southern California. Temps should be (at the very least) in the high 80s. According to the little news blips that pop up on yahoo, New York is in the middle of a heat wave. Hey New York, want to trade??

Normally I love cold weather, but wearing Ugg boots and sweat shirts when I was hoping to be going to the beach is kind of messing with my summer.

But, you all could probably care less about my weather woes, which is why I'm hooking you guys up with a chance to win free stuff! Just head on over to http://tresorsmarche.blogspot.com/ and enter her lovely contest!

TTFN. (ta ta for now ;D )

The Rant You Probably Could Care Less About

I've been a busy bee lately.

But Amanda, it's summer, how can that be?

Two words my friends: summer session.


You see, I am extremely dedicated to transferring schools after only two years (it takes most people 3 years to aquire enough units [60] and get all of their g.e.'s out of the way). Seeing as last year was year numero uno, that means I only have one more year to get everything into place - and have to start applying to colleges in October (to which I often say "wait a second - didn't I JUST do all of that nonsense when I graduated high school?" Yes. Yes I did.)

The only way to even come close to getting enough classes done is to take summer session, which is kind of a wrench in the whole "summer vacation" thing.

Before you get tired of my whining and stop reading, hear me out.

Summer classes are 6 to 8 weeks long, where as the normal class in 14 to 16 weeks long. This means that instead of going to class 2-3 days a week for an hour and twenty minutes (per class), I go to class 2-3 days a week for three, to sometimes 3 and a half hours a day per class (the later occurring when the teacher holds us late, which happens somewhat frequently. Plus, being the nerd that I am, I like to stay and ask questions).

Now, for the most part the extended class time doesn't bother me too much, but what does is the homework. Ideally, summer classes cover the same amount of material in a shorter amount of time, which usually means piling a weeks worth of homework onto one night. Not to mention that term papers and projects, which are usually given significant class time to go over, now just sort of get lost in the mix, leaving me feeling thoroughly unprepared.

I've just started a second summer class, and I have about five hours of reading to do. Not counting researching my presentation topic and listing to online lectures/online discussion board.

And I work 5 days this week.

Ya... Go me.

While I am thankful that summer classes are offered, I wonder if the time crunch combined with the fact that it is, after all, summer is somewhat detrimental to the whole learning process. I love going to class and getting to discuss what I have learned, but with all the stress of what I have to accomplish, It really is all to easy to simply do the work, rather than care about the work.

This was a lot easier last year when I took a summer class. An intro to psych course, the class was really interesting, and something I looked forward to. But, last year Psych 1 was my only summer class, and I wasn't working - in other words, a minority in the community college world.
Sometimes people at work or school ask me how I do it all, and still manage to get relatively good grades. My answer? What else can I do? These are the cards I've been dealt, and now I have to suck it up and get it done.

We are not the geniuses, just the technicians.

One of the principle truths of human kind is that we are constantly searching for answers. Another truth is that every culture, ethnicity and religion has their own idea of what the "big questions" really are, and their own perspective on the solutions to these questions. With so many people focusing their energy on answers of the universe, God, true love, human purpose, and every other school of thought that can be found printed on an over priced notebook - we forget why we began searching in the first place. We treat all of these questions like a highly complex math equation (with many groups logically viewing it in their own terms), and regard the answers as a holy grail of power - just look at how many wars have been fought over which school of thought gets to write the book on human existence. But, at the heart of all these questions and answers is very simply, humanity. Our confused sense of self is something that can no more be transcribed onto paper than "true love" can be to some one who has never felt it, or the color red to someone who has never seen. But here is the kicker folks; the one last truth of human kind: we will always try. While we may never be able to find or agree on all of our most important questions (and maybe we are not meant to), it is a process that is unavoidably and undoubtedly human. All of us feel deep down somewhere that these questions are vital to our existence, and that the knowledge will bring us comfort and purpose. Really, the answers have nothing to do with it. It's the act of learning.

Puzzles

Just another one of my thoughts..

If you think about it, puzzles are a lot like people. Most of the time, we start with the edges. This is the basic framework for how we define ourselves and others (and, well, the puzzle) - hometown, occupation, family, likes and dislikes. The farther into the puzzle you get, the more important it is to find those connections. Sometimes pieces grow right from the last spot you worked on, a nice natural progression. Other times, you build chunks of the image, but it just sits there without place because you haven't built the foundation for it to sit in yet. Every now and then a color or an image will give away that all important players spot on the board, and with out much thought it gets filled in. This is easy. most of the time though, it's not. We spend so much time searching for the right pieces that will set our life up exactly the way we want, that we miss the pieces that are right in front of us. Or even still, we try to force those pieces into places where they don't belong, willing them to change form. The truth is, even if we've got the picture on the box to help us, the puzzle never turns out exactly as we plan. If we are lucky, we will be left with a beautiful picture and a sense of accomplishment. But sometimes we are left with one missing piece. That tiny little hole that is never really appreciated until the very end. That's probably the way most of our puzzles will end - with the missing obstacle or opportunity never conquered. But, the thing that so many people forget is that, even with that one little spot, it's still a damn pretty picture.

FIVE things

School's out! Finals are over! Summer! I'm free!!!!!!
- Wait, what? Summer semester starts Tuesday?.... Bummer.
For now, here are 5 things you never knew about me (and probably never cared much too either).

1. I cut corners. Literally, whenever I walk through the doorway, I pass by too close to the edge and end up walking into the wall. And yet, it surprises me every time. How's that for poor depth perception?

2. I really enjoy reading young adult novels (books that are targeted at middle school/high school students). I realize that these books aren't exactly aimed at a reader like me, but there is something kind of refreshing about being able to read a book and enjoy it on purely a surface level. It's not that I don't love complex books with symbolism and all that other stuff (or that young adult books can't include any of those things, because some do), but it's nice to just hear a story and not get lost in all of the other extra tidbits. I also especially love the books with adventure and super natural elements. I think this largely has to do with the fact that I am boring, and like to live vicariously through the characters.

3. The way I picture myself in my mind isn't even remotely close to the way I actually look in real life.

4. Have you ever considered the possibility that we all see colors differently? My green could be your purple (and so on). We would never know, because it is relatively impossible to describe colors. Sure, we could say "it's bright" or "it's dark", but with so many different shades of every color, those statements could apply to all of them. We would never know that other people see a different color, because everyone could still determine two things of the same color. It sounds weird, and for a while I thought it was just another of my crazy thoughts, but come on - it could totally work.

5. Whenever I'm in class and the teacher looks me in the eyes, I try my hardest not to look away. For some reason, I always feel like it is some kind of Jedi test - and it must be, because whenever I do this, the teacher just keeps staring right back. Then it gets uncomfortable, and either the teacher looks away first and I smile thinking "that's right, whose a ninja Jedi cool person", or I cant stand it any longer, and pretend like I had just zoned out and happened to be mentally asleep in the teacher's direction.

So, what are the 5 things no one knows about you?

you're here and then you're gone
but echo on and on
the words from your song
that we played and we sang and we dreamed

come to me please
are we ever free?
were you ever mine?
will you ever be?

with screams and choas
we are lost
no one ever knows the cost
of the life we're meant to live

you're here and then you're gone
but echo on and on
the words from your song
that we played and we sang and we dreamed

I could try to close my eyes
to the harshest claim of lies
that secret old thought cries
Why me? Why me?

come to me please
are we ever free?
were you ever mine?
and will you ever be?

Happiness

is a perfume you cannot pour onto others without getting a few drops on yourself.
~Emerson

I was going through my bookshelf today when a note card with this quote written on it fell out. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Don't you love it when little things like that happen?

Steel Strings

Perfect memories
of everything we once lived;
bubbles painted red
by the harshest of whispers.

so funny
those places where we walked
when you had something to prove.
Oh those old ghosts-
they know how your face could make me stop.

Though time and road have ruined us
and you pretend it was all a dream
when you look this way I
can't help but hope things aren't what they seem

that you still miss it like I thought I miss you.


these words are etched on steel strings.

Hug Bucket

I have recently made a fantastic discovery, the hug bucket.

And this video should explain what a hug bucket is (if you don't want to watch the whole video, you can just fast forward to 1:06)


I love hugs. People who know me well know that I'm not a super touchy feely person. I have my bubble, and I don't like when people pop my bubble (although I do frequently pop other people bubbles. I'm difficult, aren't I?) But I love hugs - a lot.

So here is my hug bucket (so far):
-An astronaut
-Will Smith
-My "long lost" Italian relatives (even though they're not really lost. I've just never met them)
-Someone associated with the harry Potter books/movies
-my future children/grandchildren
-my "true love"
-a published writer and/or poet
-a cool indie-type musician
-a fellow blogger (who isn't a member of my family or my best friends. Sorry guys, you're already in the hug bucket)

The list is still a work in progress, but I'd love to know who is on your hug bucket list?

Trains are fun, and so are Soap Operas.

Sitting and looking out of a train window is kind of like watching a movie. On TV, significant, beautiful, and sad things all happen at an unrealistically fast pace, simply because they have a time slot to fill, and hey - things have to stay interesting. Just take any soap opera. In the span of a few short episodes people die, get married and divorced, have babies etc. etc.

In the real world things move much slower. While feelings and decisions may have a pivotal moment when things "change", these are still often the result of many actions and decisions building up over a long period of time. The funny thing about this is that, if you accept that many of our actions are the results of other actions - or even just our individual personalities - then nothing should surprise us. It should be easy to figure out who will fall in love with whom, or what the outcome of certain political events will be, but that's the thing - it never is. We are all so preoccupied with, well, everything, that we never really can focus on just one thing.

I've long felt that the answers are always right in front of us, we just don't know how to see them.

When you're on a train, things are going by fast - but not ridiculously so. You pass by a school, a soccer game, anything, and are given only a short amount of time to see and make of it what you will. But unlike soap operas, those people going on with their daily lives are under no obligation to be interesting, or special, or anything other than what they are. In this they are not crazy or unrealistic, they are simply human. So when you are riding by on a train, with the world passing in front of you, you are getting to watch the best movie ever made: the movie of life, minus all of the fuss.

I've included some photos from a recent train ride, I hope you enjoy.

Stress

I have been under an unimaginable amount of stress lately. Suddenly, all of my teachers have given me monstrous amounts of homework (I think I have written more essay in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life), not to mention I have been working a little bit more than usual. And, with the end of the semester approaching, registration for summer classes is coming up. I have been trying to make an appointment with a counselor to find out exactly what classes I need to take, but for some reason my i.d. number isn't registering in the online appointment maker-thing. So I call in, go on hold for 45 minutes to find out all the appointments for next week are full (appointments are made a week in advanced) and to call back in Monday.

This of course, leads to the "I'm not going to be able to register for the right classes! I'm going to mess up and be at community college for three years - not two! I'm never going to graduate! I'm destined to be a hobo!!!!!!!!".

Now, before you say anything, yes - I know I'm over reacting. But can you blame me?

OK. So maybe you can..

Luckily for me, today is my dad's birthday, and this Friday and Saturday I will be in a nice hotel room by the beach in San Diego. No work, no homework (hopefully).

I can't wait!

Rants about Cartoons, Twins.

Way back before Hannah Montana, in that time of classic Sunday morning cartoons known as the 90s, there was a little show called "Recess". Now, Recess never had the success of shows like "Hey Arnold", "Rugrats", or "Doug" (which I loved) but it was enjoyable enough.

There was one episode of Recess where the "gang" (the show followed a group of friends in elementary school) was playing in a kickball tournament against another school. When the other team showed up, they quickly noticed that each person had their counterpart from the other school - someone who looked and acted enough like the person for each of the characters to be a little freaked out. Now, obviously this is just some silly t.v. show, but it left my 7 year self thinking that I had a twin living in China.

So, whats my point??

What if we really do all have a twin out there? I'm sure we have all been in that situation where we are in the supermarket and think we see someone who looks like that one guy from that one place and start waving like a lunatic only to realize (too late) that we have never met the person before. But what if it goes even farther than that? Oscar Wilde said "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions and quotation." The idea that everything you think or feel has been thought and felt by someone else before isn't exactly a new one (although it's one that I'm sure many people disagree with), but if some of the things that we as human beings find the most important on an emotional level aren't at all unique, could you make the argument that we aren't at all unique on a physical level.

It sounds a little crazy, and the fact that today I'm running on 3 hours of sleep probably doesn't help this at all, but I still think that it is an interesting notion. After being surrounded by different groups of people in college than I was in high school, I am constantly seeing or meeting people who make me think dang, the are a lot like so and so. Heck, it seems like I can't even watch a YouTube video with out being reminded of someone I know.

If you're wondering if this post is supposed to mean that I actually believe that we all have a "twin" somewhere out there, it doesn't. Truthfully, while I find it an interesting topic to think about, it is also something I have a hard time wrapping my head around on a real, or even personal level. Is there another one of me out there? Am I unique at all? I would hate to think that I'm not.

Any opinions on this topic? I would love to hear your thoughts.

March 31, 2010

Who ever said "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" never spent a day in my shoes.

My Name Is Amanda... And I'm an Addict.

Now before you say anything, I'm not that kind of addict. Today, I'm talking about (somewhat) healthy addictions. These are the things that we love - that make us happy. This is the first of several blog posts in which I divulge to you the random (and some times embarrassing) things that I can't pass up; what I'm addicted too.

So, now that we've got the introductions out of the way, let's get started.

My Name is Amanda *Hiiii Amanda* and I'm addicted too.. *gulp*

Thrift Stores *dun dun duuuuunnnnn*

Yes, thrift stores. Nothing gets my blood pumping like the prospect of finding a one of a kind item, that no one else has, all for a low, low price. It rocks.

So far, I have only been able to find two downsides to being a thrift store addict.
1. a lot of the clothes/shoes there tend to be either extremely small or extremely big sizes. I would assume this is because people donate their skinny clothes that they grow out of, and their fat clothes if they loose weight. This means that it can be difficult for an average sized person (me) to find something that fits.

2. Sometimes, I get so excited at the low low prices, that I over estimate my confidence or fashion savvy and end up buying something that I later realize I will never wear anywhere but my house.

During my most recent thrift store spree, I picked up three items (all of which totalled around $15). The first was this skirt:

Now, I know what you are thinking.. "Amanda, come on. That Looks like a skirt that Maria would wear in The Sound of Music. Do you honestly think you are Maria?" To which I would probably mumble an "I wish" to myself. But fear not! I have big plans for this skirt.
While the maria-ness was what originally drew me to this skirt, when I put it on, I looked like one of those giant parachutes you play with in kindergarten. But, the fact that skirt has an elastic waistband gave me some options. So, I readjusted the skirt, paired with this belt also courtesy of the salvation army, and ended up with... (drum roll please..)

ta da!

I made one more purchase at the thrift store today: a pair of shoes. And I will admit, I got these mostly for the novelty of them.



I haven't yet decided if I actually like them, or if they were just a victim of my addiction. But hey, they were only $7.

Don't tie me down. This is my world.

It has been absolutely beautiful weather this week. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Amanda Coats and the Mystery of the Invisible Parade

Today is the one and only St. Patrick's day! No, I'm not Irish, but I still consider today a fun and carefree day. Being on spring break, I decided that today I wanted to really celebrate the holiday. I spent a while searching on google trying to find some kind of event that didn't involve alcohol (which was a lot harder than you would think) seeing as I'm only 18. And then I saw it - exactly what I was looking for - a parade not too far from home at noon (at the time it was only 10:30). I excitedly pulled out my green clothes and got ready, already imagining all of the cool pictures (and maybe free candy) that I would take. At 11:45 I left my house, and drove to the supposed location.

No parade. I drove further down the street, and still no parade. I drove around for half an hour looking for the stinkin' parade, and all I found is how many Irish people obviously DON'T live in my hometown. I only saw about a handful of people wearing green; how disappointing.

Eventually I gave up and drove home, got on the computer, and found the link that had sent me on this wild goose chase. For some stupid reason, I still had home that I'd make it to the parade. Sure, maybe I'd be a little late, but I could still have fun, right?

I took a closer look at the page for the parade. I was already too late. Way too late. Try, 17 years too late. Yes, that's right, the page was for the 1993 St. Patrick's day parade. Can you imagine the look that came across my face when I read this?? Let me help you, it looked a little something like this:

Without the parade, my celebrating prospects were severely limited. I could always go get lunch at the local "pub and grill" but I assumed it would be packed with drunk people (also, I have this thing about going to sit down restaurants by myself. It makes me feel awkward..), I could drive down to San Diego - the closest city having any kind of celebration (also not an option. Me and highways are no bueno). If I was really desperate, I could dress up like a leprechaun and go looking for four leaf clovers, but some how I have a feeling that this option would have ended with me getting beat up.

So what did I do? I went to Mc Donald's and took a nap. Anticlimactic, I know. But hey, I tried.

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody.

I See The

Flicker flashes
of fickle times -

uneasy minds, pretending
to know something

the one thing, which
flowers & flies allude

and try to confuse with
hopes and dreams -

fickle things that
bear no home

but the space to roam we
give, the air

we let it share with
us. And soon,

these things consume with
plants & wings,

our fickle things that
keep us grounded

Alive in our head and
still in our hearts.

spell out the words
of what you feel
of what you see
of what you know

throw in a comma
apostrophe
it doesn't have to be right
it just has to be pure


your words are your magic. your words are your cure.

March 9, 2010

So today I recieved this little beauty in the mail

and I am sooo excited. I guess what I really wanted to say is...

THANK YOU GRANDMA!! :)

While Sitting in a Box

He pulled the curtains shut

------walked in circles as he went

"someone please turn the music up"
maybe I'll remember to forget.


Water howls and wind drips

such a suburban afternoon

------he can't pull back from that wish
that encapsulates this room.

lights dimmed
walls up
the cracks there from before
he hopes to find a bit of luck
who was it we used to dream for?

yet,
We do it for the weaker ones
--we do it for regret

The only thing we ask of you,
-------remember to forget.


When once life seemed so bare
still ready for it yet

He never thought it would hurt so much
or that he'd have to

-----remember to forget.

You Never Know