Tisn't the Season

I cant believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It just doesn't feel real. I've been doing all of the Christmas time usuals - listening to music, wrapping presents, watching the movies, somehow it just doesn't feel real. Maybe it's because this year I haven't really gone to any big Christmas get togethers, and I don't have a conventional job like I did last year - where there is lots of decorations and music as a constant reminder.

It makes me a little sad to think that Christmas will be over before I've really had a chance to enjoy it. The fact that I've been house-bound (more or less) for a week due to rain isn't exactly helping this funk I'm in, either.

I feel bad that I wasn't able to buy my friend and family super fantastical gifts this year (especially when I hear about the gifts that my friends have bought), but I am flat out broke, and my savings is something I want to keep for when I really need it - I refuse to dip into it anymore. That being said, I am so excited to give my sister her gift, but I'm afraid that I've built it up so much that she will be a little disappointed. She doesn't read this, so I have no problem talking about it.

She is a Beatles freak who doesn't own a clock - so I made her one out of a real record using pictures of the beatles! I'm not exactly sure how useful it will be for actually keeping time, but like I said, she doesn't actually use a clock anyway.

Anyways, that's it for now. Merry Christmas everyone!

But Maybe I'm not the one who's stuck

My brain is stuck in an elevator

traveling back and forth between what

 was and what is.

 maybe this elevator should move a little straighter

because what could have been always falls into the mix

My ears are made a notebook

scribed with the sound of every look and sigh

your voice's nervous cracks and missteps

both pretending not to look

It's all we had and it's all that's left

My eyes are glued on spotlights trying to find

a way to find - your face

looking, looking, looking

for a sight that's too unkind

and doesn't know it's place

Dead Batteries and The Electric Friendship Generator.

I'm tired right now and not thinking straight. Every ounce of me wants to leave school, skip my meeting, and go home to just sleep. Well, every ounce except the one that controls my motor functions. Dang.

I was up pretty late doing homework last night, and even after eight hours of work, I still feel like I've accomplished nothing. Sometimes I work fantastically under stress, and other times I just sort of fall of the face of the earth. I'm leaning towards the latter right now.

Last night was the submission deadline for state schools, and I sort of think of my fate as now being sealed. Yes, there are still privates to do, but those are more of a long shot. Even though I still haven't decided where I want to go, I had been fairly confident in my possible choices up until yesterday. Then, for some reason, I had a freak out moment, and sent in an application to an extra school that I hadn't been planning on. Now I just keep running those applications through my head.

Did I forget an extracurriculars I've done?
Oh god, I hope I didn't accidentally get charged twice because I forgot to check a box when I filled out the credit card info.
Wow, my personal statements were crap weren't they. And my additional comments? Who in the hell puts additional comments! People who don't get in, that's who.

From the moment I woke up this morning, I've had a bad feeling, and it just keeps getting worse. (Although, the sketchy cafeteria food I paid way too much for might have something to do with it). Not to mention I recently had a slight disagreement with the teacher whom I have next. I really would like to not have an awkward private discussion about it with him. Really. Really Really.

All of this, and finals are still two and a half weeks aways. Next week, things get even worse.

In the mean time, it's not all doom and gloom. Here is a hilarious video about facebook that I found. Enjoy.

I'm worried that I'll get used and won't be able to stop it.
I'm worried that I wont get into college.
I'm worried that winterguard wont come together.
I'm worried that I will have to choose one school.
I'm worried that I won't get to choose one school.
I'm worried that I'm doing to much.
I'm worried that I'm not doing enough.
I'm worried that I'm missing out on people and things.
I'm worried because I don't know how not to.
I'm worried because I don't know if this change is good or bad.

Insanity.

That's really the only word that can describe what my past month has been like. I celebrated my 19th birthday, went to the spa, wondered WHY kids are spending their halloween at a carnival instead of trick or treating (there really isn't anything wrong with carnivals, but trick or treating is a right of passage! I mean come on!), I've been busting my butt at school, and really not seeing any of the results. Oh yeah, and I quit my job.

Victory dance.

But, as usual, the second I cut something out of my life to make more room for - well - me, something else always gets in the way. My commitments that I made early in the year are becomming more and more consuming. Not that I necessarily object to that. I mean, I'm worn out now, but I'm sure I would hate never having anything to do just as much.

Ha. haha. ha. I'm just going to keep telling myself that.

I'm not sure how many of you know this, but I teach a color guard. When I started, It was a mad panic to get work filled in and to make sure the girls knew how to do all of it. But now, I have to start the whole process over from the begining, with MY decisions on the music and costumes and what not. It's all up to ME, and the anxiety and desire to give the girls and myself something we can all be proud of is driving me crazy. I swear, if I have to listen to one more possible winter guard song I may just shoot myself.

I love teaching though, and it only solidifies my choice in going to school to become a teacher. One major downside though is that i haven't gotten paid yet, and I really need the money. Teaching, I make about $400 less a month than I did at my old job, and I had decided that this was OK because I would be enjoying myself. But, now, I really just need the money.

With all of this strees, I think another spa trip may be in order.

There are still tons of exciting things I have to fill you in on (I promise they are actually worth reading, unlike this sorry rant), but I'm late for class. Stay tuned friends.

Trauma Ramma

Drama doesn't bother me anymore.
 
   -Ok, so maybe that's a lie.

Drama is for wossies.

   -Another lie.

I just don't care about drama anymore!

   -'Aint that the truth.

I feel like I have actually reached the threshold for the amount of drama a human being can withstand in one lifetime. In high school, it was impossible to escape drama. In college, you can only escape it if you choose to not have any friends or a job. I used to take it all so personally - but honestly? I just don't care about it anyomore!

Wait, rewind that. Let me clarify - if one of my friends is having a terrible time, I care. If someone thinks that I am doing a terrible job, I care. I care and I get angry or sad or whatever the situation calls for - and then I stop. I just let it go and not let it bother me any more. Unfortunatly, this is a new adaptation - and really, it's just that. An adaptation.

I think that maybe this new development in my life is the result of one thing: I don't think that I have ever had more faith in myself. When I say that, I don't mean that I think I can do anything and everything, but for the first time I really trust that the decisions I make are the right ones; the right ones for me.

What's worse? Letting others down or letting yourself down.

Surprisingly, the answer isn't always so clear.

I Wish I Had More Fall Leaves

I'm obsessed with halloween.

Making Room

I have had to make some big decisions form myself this past week, and I still have more to come. For someone who loves new experiences, I also thrive on the constancy and predictability in my every day life. But that's been missing for a while now, and it certainly isn't comming back any time soon. It's time for me to get back to basics, back to the life that a year ago I hated (how strange that now, that's the only thing I really want). I can't help but feel that I'm letting some people down in the process, but I've got to live my life the only way I know how.

I'm not super student. I can't survive being an overtime student, working two jobs, and making everyone happy in the process.

I can't believe that I've forgoted how to do the things that I want to do. I don't even remember what those words mean anymore.