It Didn't.

For several reasons, last night the poetry slam did not go down.

Actually, there are really only two reasons.
1) we thought it started at 8, and it started at 7, so by the time we got there the list had been made and people were already performing.

2) as it got later we probably could have tacked our names onto the end of the list, but it was a small crowd (a lot of people had left) and I had already decided that if I was going to do this, then I would to it full out and to an audience.

Even though I was somewhat relieved, I'm more than a little disappointed that I didn't get to get up there. I want to see what that instant feedback is really like.

I will go back there, and I will read something - eventually. It's hard to find a Wednesday that I don't have to work.

But it will happen.

I thought I Already Conquered This Beast

I'm supposed to slam tonight.

Holy crap.

For those of you who don't know, "slamming" is when you read a poem, or some other piece you have written for an audience (think coffee, berets, and snapping - and only not as steryotypical and cheesey). I have been to this coffee house's open mic night a couple times to watch, and now my best friend is making me get up there and slam.

And I am freaking out!

When I first started this blog, I was pretty nervous - even embarrassed - about posting all of my writings for the world to see, but before long I became more accustomed to it. It even started to feel a little exciting. Now look at me - I love blogging.

But there is something about getting up in front of complete strangers and actually reading something I have written. If it bombs, I will know. There's just no getting around it. I still haven't even decided what I'm going to read; every time I think I have my mind set on a poem, I practice it out loud, and I am then horrified at how it sounds audibly. Not to mention the lack of *spark*. Am I just being extremely self conscious, or have I always sucked this much?

I have no clue what I'm going to do, but I better figure it out lickedy split.
wish me luck.

Free Stuff

It's cold here.

And it's raining.

In July.

Last time I checked, I lived in Southern California. Temps should be (at the very least) in the high 80s. According to the little news blips that pop up on yahoo, New York is in the middle of a heat wave. Hey New York, want to trade??

Normally I love cold weather, but wearing Ugg boots and sweat shirts when I was hoping to be going to the beach is kind of messing with my summer.

But, you all could probably care less about my weather woes, which is why I'm hooking you guys up with a chance to win free stuff! Just head on over to http://tresorsmarche.blogspot.com/ and enter her lovely contest!

TTFN. (ta ta for now ;D )

The Rant You Probably Could Care Less About

I've been a busy bee lately.

But Amanda, it's summer, how can that be?

Two words my friends: summer session.


You see, I am extremely dedicated to transferring schools after only two years (it takes most people 3 years to aquire enough units [60] and get all of their g.e.'s out of the way). Seeing as last year was year numero uno, that means I only have one more year to get everything into place - and have to start applying to colleges in October (to which I often say "wait a second - didn't I JUST do all of that nonsense when I graduated high school?" Yes. Yes I did.)

The only way to even come close to getting enough classes done is to take summer session, which is kind of a wrench in the whole "summer vacation" thing.

Before you get tired of my whining and stop reading, hear me out.

Summer classes are 6 to 8 weeks long, where as the normal class in 14 to 16 weeks long. This means that instead of going to class 2-3 days a week for an hour and twenty minutes (per class), I go to class 2-3 days a week for three, to sometimes 3 and a half hours a day per class (the later occurring when the teacher holds us late, which happens somewhat frequently. Plus, being the nerd that I am, I like to stay and ask questions).

Now, for the most part the extended class time doesn't bother me too much, but what does is the homework. Ideally, summer classes cover the same amount of material in a shorter amount of time, which usually means piling a weeks worth of homework onto one night. Not to mention that term papers and projects, which are usually given significant class time to go over, now just sort of get lost in the mix, leaving me feeling thoroughly unprepared.

I've just started a second summer class, and I have about five hours of reading to do. Not counting researching my presentation topic and listing to online lectures/online discussion board.

And I work 5 days this week.

Ya... Go me.

While I am thankful that summer classes are offered, I wonder if the time crunch combined with the fact that it is, after all, summer is somewhat detrimental to the whole learning process. I love going to class and getting to discuss what I have learned, but with all the stress of what I have to accomplish, It really is all to easy to simply do the work, rather than care about the work.

This was a lot easier last year when I took a summer class. An intro to psych course, the class was really interesting, and something I looked forward to. But, last year Psych 1 was my only summer class, and I wasn't working - in other words, a minority in the community college world.
Sometimes people at work or school ask me how I do it all, and still manage to get relatively good grades. My answer? What else can I do? These are the cards I've been dealt, and now I have to suck it up and get it done.

We are not the geniuses, just the technicians.

One of the principle truths of human kind is that we are constantly searching for answers. Another truth is that every culture, ethnicity and religion has their own idea of what the "big questions" really are, and their own perspective on the solutions to these questions. With so many people focusing their energy on answers of the universe, God, true love, human purpose, and every other school of thought that can be found printed on an over priced notebook - we forget why we began searching in the first place. We treat all of these questions like a highly complex math equation (with many groups logically viewing it in their own terms), and regard the answers as a holy grail of power - just look at how many wars have been fought over which school of thought gets to write the book on human existence. But, at the heart of all these questions and answers is very simply, humanity. Our confused sense of self is something that can no more be transcribed onto paper than "true love" can be to some one who has never felt it, or the color red to someone who has never seen. But here is the kicker folks; the one last truth of human kind: we will always try. While we may never be able to find or agree on all of our most important questions (and maybe we are not meant to), it is a process that is unavoidably and undoubtedly human. All of us feel deep down somewhere that these questions are vital to our existence, and that the knowledge will bring us comfort and purpose. Really, the answers have nothing to do with it. It's the act of learning.

Puzzles

Just another one of my thoughts..

If you think about it, puzzles are a lot like people. Most of the time, we start with the edges. This is the basic framework for how we define ourselves and others (and, well, the puzzle) - hometown, occupation, family, likes and dislikes. The farther into the puzzle you get, the more important it is to find those connections. Sometimes pieces grow right from the last spot you worked on, a nice natural progression. Other times, you build chunks of the image, but it just sits there without place because you haven't built the foundation for it to sit in yet. Every now and then a color or an image will give away that all important players spot on the board, and with out much thought it gets filled in. This is easy. most of the time though, it's not. We spend so much time searching for the right pieces that will set our life up exactly the way we want, that we miss the pieces that are right in front of us. Or even still, we try to force those pieces into places where they don't belong, willing them to change form. The truth is, even if we've got the picture on the box to help us, the puzzle never turns out exactly as we plan. If we are lucky, we will be left with a beautiful picture and a sense of accomplishment. But sometimes we are left with one missing piece. That tiny little hole that is never really appreciated until the very end. That's probably the way most of our puzzles will end - with the missing obstacle or opportunity never conquered. But, the thing that so many people forget is that, even with that one little spot, it's still a damn pretty picture.

FIVE things

School's out! Finals are over! Summer! I'm free!!!!!!
- Wait, what? Summer semester starts Tuesday?.... Bummer.
For now, here are 5 things you never knew about me (and probably never cared much too either).

1. I cut corners. Literally, whenever I walk through the doorway, I pass by too close to the edge and end up walking into the wall. And yet, it surprises me every time. How's that for poor depth perception?

2. I really enjoy reading young adult novels (books that are targeted at middle school/high school students). I realize that these books aren't exactly aimed at a reader like me, but there is something kind of refreshing about being able to read a book and enjoy it on purely a surface level. It's not that I don't love complex books with symbolism and all that other stuff (or that young adult books can't include any of those things, because some do), but it's nice to just hear a story and not get lost in all of the other extra tidbits. I also especially love the books with adventure and super natural elements. I think this largely has to do with the fact that I am boring, and like to live vicariously through the characters.

3. The way I picture myself in my mind isn't even remotely close to the way I actually look in real life.

4. Have you ever considered the possibility that we all see colors differently? My green could be your purple (and so on). We would never know, because it is relatively impossible to describe colors. Sure, we could say "it's bright" or "it's dark", but with so many different shades of every color, those statements could apply to all of them. We would never know that other people see a different color, because everyone could still determine two things of the same color. It sounds weird, and for a while I thought it was just another of my crazy thoughts, but come on - it could totally work.

5. Whenever I'm in class and the teacher looks me in the eyes, I try my hardest not to look away. For some reason, I always feel like it is some kind of Jedi test - and it must be, because whenever I do this, the teacher just keeps staring right back. Then it gets uncomfortable, and either the teacher looks away first and I smile thinking "that's right, whose a ninja Jedi cool person", or I cant stand it any longer, and pretend like I had just zoned out and happened to be mentally asleep in the teacher's direction.

So, what are the 5 things no one knows about you?

you're here and then you're gone
but echo on and on
the words from your song
that we played and we sang and we dreamed

come to me please
are we ever free?
were you ever mine?
will you ever be?

with screams and choas
we are lost
no one ever knows the cost
of the life we're meant to live

you're here and then you're gone
but echo on and on
the words from your song
that we played and we sang and we dreamed

I could try to close my eyes
to the harshest claim of lies
that secret old thought cries
Why me? Why me?

come to me please
are we ever free?
were you ever mine?
and will you ever be?

Happiness

is a perfume you cannot pour onto others without getting a few drops on yourself.
~Emerson

I was going through my bookshelf today when a note card with this quote written on it fell out. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Don't you love it when little things like that happen?

Steel Strings

Perfect memories
of everything we once lived;
bubbles painted red
by the harshest of whispers.

so funny
those places where we walked
when you had something to prove.
Oh those old ghosts-
they know how your face could make me stop.

Though time and road have ruined us
and you pretend it was all a dream
when you look this way I
can't help but hope things aren't what they seem

that you still miss it like I thought I miss you.


these words are etched on steel strings.