Residual Stress

is there such a thing? I am more than willing to bet there is. School has been out for just under a week (adios community college!), but I'm still feeling the stress of finals. I keep having dreams that I am frantically trying to right an essay-but to no avail, and whenever I go out somewhere I'll get a feeling of panic and think "What am I doing??? I need to study!!!!" out of nowhere. I know that I don't have to do any of these things, but my mind begs to differ.

The only cause for this that I can think of is that I'm subconsciously mixing up my stress over things that I have to get done this week, with the things I've been worrying about over the past month. Color guard clinics and tryouts are this week, which means I've got double days Monday (yesterday), Wednesday and Friday, along with an afternoon on Thursday, and all Saturday morning. The girls have their guard class at 8 am. so on the double days I spend most of my morning with them or in transit, and then in the afternoon I have to drive back for clinics/practice. As much as I enjoy the actual practice part, the gap in between frustrates me. Either I come back home and get nothing done, or I hang around in Irvine, meaning I will definitely end up spending money that needs to be saved.

The pressing fact that my dresser needs to be organized, and I've got to figure out loan stuff doesn't exactly help, either.  But I'm slowly, very slowly, starting to get stuff done and mellow out a little.

Images

Just doing a little Sunday morning picture surfing. All of these photos make me curious of the back story behind them.

-And, no, I didn't purposely pick only lack and white photos. I guess it's just a gray kind of day.










All images found at honey&pie

Starbucks Thoughts

I wish I was good at something concrete - something useful. Like, maybe if I could build things, then people would get it. Then I wouldn't be "weird" or "unusual" or "wasting my time". Or, maybe if I was good at science or math or anything usable. Anything solid. But I'm not. Every time someone finds out that I'm and English major they ask, "What are you going to do with that?? teach?". The answer is always invariably yes, but somehow that's never good enough. Somehow my plans never match up other peoples, and I don't care - I really don't. But for some reason they all seem to.

So many people see English as a dead end major, because you're probably not going to become a famous reporter or writer, but that's not the point for me. I think that it's kind of wonderful that we can create something - learn it and perfect it, for no real tangible reason other than to share it with someone else. All because someone, somehow, thought it was important. Because for someone it was worth it.

what could be more human? Isn't that the point of everything? Isn't that life?

Projunction

Old thorns are pulling into my scalp

While my brain prays that it’s worthy of these wounds
That I’ve built for myself
That you’ve built for me
That I still think I need
 That maybe I need

While new Gravity keeps at the meat of my cheeks
Drowning me – down into a distant enemy
Of a world where I know what I want
and I don’t know you
and I don’t know truth
 and I pray I'm a fool

Where the words are all I see and breathe
And just when I grow my wings
It’s my arms that I need
 It’s my arms that I need

This place where the blood in my eyes turns everything red
Where the truthful are the week and the deaf are the blind
Where the daydreams can speak but can never be said
 Where everything exists but nothing’s a sign

And the blood is my power
And the blood is my gain
And I can’t feel love or it was all for vain
 All for the specter hiding inside of my brain

The thorns here are brittle, and my hate is my love
And the dirt under my nails is close as any glove
Thread born by a place ignored from above
 In a pathway that won’t be lit

But you still think I’m worth it.


But Maybe I’m worth it


But Maybe I’m worth it


But


-Sometimes I don't even understand how these thoughts get into my brain-

Summa

My last day of school is May 20, which means that summer is so close I can hardly be expected to actually focus on the last few days of school (although, my 4 essays and presentation would beg to differ). This school year has been full of a lot of ups and downs. I quit my job, got a new job, struggled to make things work, I had a couple of fights that I wish I hadn't, and didn't have a couple that maybe I should have. I've been underestimated, over estimated, had to deal with some seriously whacked out people (more on that later), and I found out that apparently I'm way smarter than I give myself credit for. But still after all of that, when I think about what has happened to my friends this year, there is no comparison. That's probably the one thing that I dislike about the past two years - nothing happens. After all this time, I've probably met one person that I will actually talk to next year (and that's still a big "if"). I know I have so many things to be grateful for, but when every week day is the same, and every weekend is me, sitting at home, either waiting for a friend to "get back to me" on if we can do something, or getting canceled on, things don't seem quite as bright.

But summer is always better. How can it not be? Here are some reasons I'm looking forward to this summer:
1) Getting to sleep in past 6:30
2) first summer since 2008 that I am not taking summer classes.
3) The school I'm going to is on the September to June plan, and the school I go to now is on the august to may plan, which means I get an extra month of break.
5) I will finally have time to read some of the books under my bed. (all year I've been buying clearance books at borders that seemed interesting, but I never had time to read them because of all of the reading I have for my 2 lit classes)
6) I reallyyyy want to go to a concert. Soon.
7) Medieval Times with Lisa
8) Hopefully going to Shakespeare by the Sea
9) Um, hello, it's SUMMER.

So, how would you rate your school year? What are you looking forward to this summer?