The reversal.

Everyone wants to say what I am
bolts and screws holding together
bits of flesh and glue
stretched over squirming things
and veins and lungs
my own little park living in my chest
and growing and creeping
past my bounds, where my skin hugs it in
so persistent it starts to poke
through my eyes and through my nose
pores leaking bits of blood and hope
until I'm a bloated mess of things and thoughts
the pieces people have thrown away
and couldn't get enough of.

Now, I'm outside in
and inside out
here with my insides
ugly and purple and wet
 perfect and content
existing in wholeness
with the pieces you've never seen
and the parts my heart can't help but beat.

I have this weird little quirk.

Well, I have many quirks, but there is one in particular that's been on my mind lately.

I am fundamentally inept at letting the people who are important to me know how important they really are. I think it has something to do with not wanting to come off too enthusiastic, or being afraid that these feelings wont be reciprocated, of not knowing how to show it, or of just coming across as "emotional".

Because, the people who are most important to me are the obvious ones, but they are also some of the people you would never guess. People I don't talk to everyday, or don't know the best. These people may never realize how much they mean to me, and that's a shame.

But that doesn't mean that they stop being important, and that doesn't mean that I don't wish everyday that I could come up with a way of letting them know.

Seasons

I was once told that there is a seasonality to life beyond the changing of the natural world around us - in our attitudes, relationships, and thoughts. Lately, this has been proving itself true in my life. The easiest way for me to describe the past couple weeks of my life is as being hot and cold. One minute I'm excelling, the next I'm stressing. One day I'm everyone's friend, the next I'm feeling like no one cares.

Each morning I wake up at 7 to get ready for class, and everyday while I'm riding the bus I have this moment where I catch a glimpse of  the sun really beginning to start to poke through the morning fog with some force, and I have this momentum inside of me to live and be happy doing it. And then, bit by bit  through out the day, little pieces of that fall away and are replaced by  the obstacles that cross my path, and by the end of the day sleep feels like my closest friend. And it's exhausting.

It seems like consistency is the hardest thing to find in life.

Coping

Yesterday, I found out that someone I went to high school with killed himself. I was never super close with him, but he was always in my classes and was in general a pretty cool, talented guy. Although, to be honest, I haven't paid him much thought in a while.

But now, he's all I can think about. How long he's wanted to do it. How he did it. What things would have been like if we had been close in high school. What his friends and family must feel. How I would feel. What I would do if it were someone really close to me.

And it's messing me up.

For some reasons that I don't understand, and for some that I don't feel like talking about here.

But it's hanging over me.

There is a fine line

between pride and embarrassment.

And I think I might be walking it.

I move out on Sunday,

and I don't know how to feel. In these last couple of days at home, I don't know what to do with myself. I should be getting ready, packing , but instead I find myself constantly distracted from the tasks at hand. I'm not accomplishing anything. I don't even know how to feel; sad? Excited? Instead I just end up with some blah emotion in between. When I realize I'm about 3 years behind a lot of my friends when it comes to this step, I just feel silly for thinking about it at all.

This move isn't exactly "forever", but it's definitely a step in that direction.

Perception: Friend or Foe

It seems strange to me how differently two people can percieve and remeber the same experience. Psychology constantly begs the question, what matters more - our genetics our our environment? Just like all of these factors must be considered in psychology, I'm sure there is a myriad of things that affects our memories.

But lately, I've been thinking that our vices have just as much to do with it as our social or genetic factors. I've come to decide that everyone is insecure (not too big of a surprise there..) but also that everyone is vain. Don't we spend more time thinking about ourselfs and what others think about us than anything else? Why else would we think about what we wear, what we say, do. Why else would we strive to do well, or hate ourselves? Because at the heart of it all is self importance.

So, sometimes I wonder if people (consciously or not) actually remember the past as worse than it was because they need to believe that the present is better, that they have beat what held them back in the past.. And, hey, maybe it is and maybe they have. But the fact that we all need to find growth, improvement - instead of a plateau or stagnation, is incredibly self preserving. And self preservation is tied to our genes.

On the other side, isn't it possible to remember things better? To forget about the bad and romanticize the past? What's the first step that most people take when they encounter a problem? Pretend that it doesn't exist. Maybe it's to protect their sense of self, maybe it's because they don't want to believe that they could be anything less than happy, or maybe saying "that was me once. Wasn't I great?" is our own way of dealing with the problems of the present.

Either way, our memories can't be trusted.

Or, you know, I could just be makin' something outta nothin'. Wouldn't be the first time.

Starbucks Thoughts

I wish I was good at something concrete - something useful. Like, maybe if I could build things, then people would get it. Then I wouldn't be "weird" or "unusual" or "wasting my time". Or, maybe if I was good at science or math or anything usable. Anything solid. But I'm not. Every time someone finds out that I'm and English major they ask, "What are you going to do with that?? teach?". The answer is always invariably yes, but somehow that's never good enough. Somehow my plans never match up other peoples, and I don't care - I really don't. But for some reason they all seem to.

So many people see English as a dead end major, because you're probably not going to become a famous reporter or writer, but that's not the point for me. I think that it's kind of wonderful that we can create something - learn it and perfect it, for no real tangible reason other than to share it with someone else. All because someone, somehow, thought it was important. Because for someone it was worth it.

what could be more human? Isn't that the point of everything? Isn't that life?

Summa

My last day of school is May 20, which means that summer is so close I can hardly be expected to actually focus on the last few days of school (although, my 4 essays and presentation would beg to differ). This school year has been full of a lot of ups and downs. I quit my job, got a new job, struggled to make things work, I had a couple of fights that I wish I hadn't, and didn't have a couple that maybe I should have. I've been underestimated, over estimated, had to deal with some seriously whacked out people (more on that later), and I found out that apparently I'm way smarter than I give myself credit for. But still after all of that, when I think about what has happened to my friends this year, there is no comparison. That's probably the one thing that I dislike about the past two years - nothing happens. After all this time, I've probably met one person that I will actually talk to next year (and that's still a big "if"). I know I have so many things to be grateful for, but when every week day is the same, and every weekend is me, sitting at home, either waiting for a friend to "get back to me" on if we can do something, or getting canceled on, things don't seem quite as bright.

But summer is always better. How can it not be? Here are some reasons I'm looking forward to this summer:
1) Getting to sleep in past 6:30
2) first summer since 2008 that I am not taking summer classes.
3) The school I'm going to is on the September to June plan, and the school I go to now is on the august to may plan, which means I get an extra month of break.
5) I will finally have time to read some of the books under my bed. (all year I've been buying clearance books at borders that seemed interesting, but I never had time to read them because of all of the reading I have for my 2 lit classes)
6) I reallyyyy want to go to a concert. Soon.
7) Medieval Times with Lisa
8) Hopefully going to Shakespeare by the Sea
9) Um, hello, it's SUMMER.

So, how would you rate your school year? What are you looking forward to this summer?