Coping

Yesterday, I found out that someone I went to high school with killed himself. I was never super close with him, but he was always in my classes and was in general a pretty cool, talented guy. Although, to be honest, I haven't paid him much thought in a while.

But now, he's all I can think about. How long he's wanted to do it. How he did it. What things would have been like if we had been close in high school. What his friends and family must feel. How I would feel. What I would do if it were someone really close to me.

And it's messing me up.

For some reasons that I don't understand, and for some that I don't feel like talking about here.

But it's hanging over me.

Cell

I’m trapped by your lock and key

That you’ve hidden within me

Somewhere where my hands can’t reach

In a cavity my nails can’t carve out

Sitting there, existing

Beating, with your pulse

That traps me

More than metal, more than iron

It breathes as you breathe

It beats as you beat;

You’re locked with it

Locked with me

Distanced by the flesh and blood and bone

That I can’t remove

That you can’t escape

Because your trap for me

Is my trap for you

So now we exist

Solitarily jailed

Together.

Don't Breathe.

I've got you here
in my lungs
compressed and rebelling
the repression of my ribs
of my bones
and the things that know
what you're doing here
but can't let it out
can't let you out -
to swallow me whole
to keep me in your lungs
the prisoner to you that I'm already becoming
the words and the thoughts that are already shoving -
now in my eyes
who have learned how to see you differently
jailed by my skull
by my bones
while you have learned
to consume me like I consumed you.
heavy and whole
fogging up our insides
and waiting
praying
for both of us to breathe

Musica

  Here's what I can't get out of my head at the moment.

Real World

Something people say a lot to me when I mention all the trials and tribulations I've been going through in the last couple of weeks is "welcome to the real world".

I have a problem with this phrase for a couple of reasons. Namely, to say that I am now in the real world would imply that I was previously in an un-real world. As far as I can tell, the last 19 years haven't been spent asleep or in some alternate universe. Unless this is some Inception style plot twist in my life, (in which case the real world really doesn't matter because I must still be asleep) this most definitely is a word just as real as it was last year, or five years ago. More sheltered, maybe. But just as real.

And, secondly, it's a phrase that people say at every major milestone. High school, college, marriage. Seriously, how many real worlds are there?

So, what has changed? When I think about how to categorize a life I can't help but thinking about Alexander Pope. Pope was a writer who lived in the 18th century, and pretty much the only way you would know who he is if you are an English major. Pope wrote about this concept called "the chain of being" as a way of talking about knowledge, and it's an idea that has always been kind of interesting to me.

Visualize a chain. Now imagine that each link on the chain represents a being. The bottom link belongs to rocks and dirt, the top to God. In the middle are animals, humans, and everything else. Essentially, each level on the chain has access to a certain amount of knowledge that the organism on that level can master. It can never know more than it's level allows, only speculate, and the closer a link is to God, the more it can know. So, a rock can never know more than the bottom link, and God can know all the links.

I don't think the world is real or un-real, I just think that our capacity for knowledge, experience, and opportunity changes. For us, the links on the chain are landmarks. Each period of our life allows us to only accomplish so much. But unlike Pope, we have the opportunity to move up the chain with time, link by link.

So I'm up a link.

Main Street UCI

is a project putting on my school to chronicle different views and experiences of/on the campus. Check out my submission here:
http://sites.uci.edu/mainstreetuci/2011/10/11/the-transfer/#respond

There is a fine line

between pride and embarrassment.

And I think I might be walking it.

Things are good.

Regardless of the little things that pop up in my way, like losing my wallet or getting sick, things are good. I'm falling into place piece by piece, and letting myself let go to see if others hold on. So far they are. Even though I'm behind on some things and physically feel less than perfect, I'm happy.

It's a happiness that is unassuming and maybe a little unfounded, but it is also real. I haven't felt happy like that in a while.

In the mean time, here's what I'm looking forward to:
Sleep!
Finishing Sense and Sensibility
My birthday
Hopefully spending some actual quality time with my family and best friends
Fall
Writing out some of the things in my head. I'm starting to feel inspired in a way I haven't recently, and I can't wait until I can take advantage of that. Writing makes me happier than anything.

A Recap.

I've always considered myself to be a reasonably rational, level headed, down to earth person. I feel intensely with my emotions, but always try to keep them regulated with my head. Lately though, it seems like some of my personal flaws have been coming out more. I've been more self conscious about the way I look and been putting more gravity in what people say to and about me. I've been saying all the wrong things, and my usually on point use of sarcasm has just been coming off as mean. Sometimes I just feel awkward leaving my room at all because I feel like people have no clue what I'm doing.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of this has to do with me starting over, wanting to make the absolute best of it, being terrible at making friends, and just all around feeling a little isolated from the people around me.
The worst part is, I'm sure that if I just didn't pay any attention to any of these things at all, I would feel like a part of the group by now. But it's still early, I guess.

My birthday is coming up soon. 20. It's funny, I'm so used to being the youngest person in my group of friends. This never really bothered me, though, because I always felt like we were still on the same level. Now, I'm living with a bunch of people who are more or less my age, and I'm even on the older side of things. But it doesn't feel the same. Not bad, just different.

Some people have been asking me if I feel old because my birthday is coming up. But honestly? For the past couple of years I've felt so much older than I actually am. 20 doesn't scare me. Intellectually, emotionally, I'm way past 20. But as far as experiences go, I guess I'm a little behind. Certain aspects of my life have felt stuck for a while - since high school, even. There are certain things that I just can't seem to make happen for myself. But I don't want others to make them happen for me, either. And the last thing I want is anyone to pity me.

It seems like in my life I have growing years and I have achieving years, and for some reason the two seem to be mutually exclusive. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice my success, but it feels like it has been so long since a growing year, since I've made lasting memories (with people who aren't my family) that are distinguishable - that stand out as new or exciting or worthwhile. I want that. I think I deserve it, and I think it's more than a little overdue.