You cannot fake who you are. And I'm tired of people trying.
Let's face it, So Cal is full of pretenders.
So much of life is about trying out new things and experiences, finding out how they fit into our life, and allowing them to become a part of us if we so wish. But, so often I see people - friends - align themselves with a certain group or belief because of the outward effect it produces.
It's like those rich kids from over the hill who always buy all of trendy clothes from Urban Outfitters, and wear them to make a statement or because it's "stylish" more than anything else, while I save up to afford one indulgence there because their clothes make me feel comfortable and confident and are a reflection of myself.
It's like the people who tell me they absolutely love T.S. Eliot, but only understand the words and not the meaning. They don't see all of the implications of what he is saying, the metaphor, the emotion and ache that comes from ripping a feeling out through your fingertips, and putting it into something that is creative and vague and wonderful.
It's like the people who join Greenpeace just because it means they have a cause, it's like the people who do something because they think it will get them a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it's like the people who do something just to stand out, and end up blending in.
So many things that we do are influenced by objects or desires that don't matter if there isn't happiness or honesty to go with them. Yes I shop at urban Outfitters and read Eliot and want to join the peace corps some day - but it is because failure to do these things would mean undercutting who I am and what I want from life, not the other way around. It would mean an ignorance of myself as a person. It would mean lying.
And no, I'm not saying that only rich kids shop at urban outfitters, or that I am the only one who can possibly understand Eliot, Poe, or any of those people. There are plenty of individuals dedicated to green peace, and plenty of people who stand out for the same reasons that I do all of the things I do. There is nothing wrong with doing any of this. I am just sad - worried - that so many people from my generation seem to sacrifice the right and ability to recognize who and why they are - and don't see that this true person is beautiful and good and enough. Why do so many people subscribe to someone else's aesthetic when their own is just so much more wonderful?
I am in no way exempt, no one is, but I keep it cornered to a small part of my existence. I try to.