I'm drowning you out with music
because I dont care what you have to say.
Sometimes when You're around, I just loose it.
And other times I'm begging you to stay.
But now I'm leaving.
Locking the door and keeping the key.
Because you're just so damn color blind
and you dont even care to see.
I hate how complicated this all became,
I hate how simple you pretend it to be.
I hate how you cant see this flame
and how you make me pull out that key.
Because I'm turning off the music now,
I'm finally ready to talk.

Beautiful Nothing

This one goes out to all of you
are the words I slowly start to think
as I gaze out at a beautiful nothing
in the midst of which I start to sink.
And as I turn and hear your voice
that odd remembrance I find
because it seems so often we don't have a choice
when you go back to the front of the line.
But while I just stare at the ground,
because i find it holds so much,
I realize exactly how much has been found
and how we almost seem to touch.

I wish things would go back to the way they were,
but I know they never will.
To much was lost in translation, so much you didnt hear,
and now just a hole you've left to fill.

So as I sit there on the ground,
and hold my face in my hands,
I cant help but think of all that was found.
What has happened to my plans?

Because you struck me as something different,
a being much needed at the time.
But now all thats left is a trail thats burnt,
on all that has passed with time.

Goodbye

As the shadows slowly fall
and all that we know lifts away
I can still hear that familiar call
begging me to stay.
And as I gaze amongst it all
I cant find those words to say.
Because I'm stuck against a wall
grasping a fabric that's begun to fray.
Because, the magnitude of what's happened stands so tall,
and its changed me in every way.
I will never forget those moments, even as these tears fall,
and keep those memories with me everyday.

Finding Something New

just when I least expect it
you start to drift right back to me
I've tried to keep so protected
but then you set me free

and I, I dont know where this will go
and you, you try not to let it show
but we, we can be everything
the space between what lies underneath
and all that others see

the lights are turned out in my mind
because the switch I can not find
but suddenly there is a bright light
and its you, its us, its right

and I, I dont know where this will go
and you, you try not to let it show
but we, we can be everything
the space between what lies underneath
and all that others see

Im here, reaching out for your hand
and by your side I'll always stand
but by the way I think you should know,
that my hearts warm grasp will never let go.

just when I least expect it
you start to drift right back to me
I've tried to keep so protected
but then you set me free

Getting Out

I dont need this,
cant take it any longer.
And yet I keep getting pulled back to that wish
But this patience has made me stronger.

And I want to just be free
but in a way I guess I am
I dont really need anything other than me
but every now and then it's nice to have a fan.

But at the same time I dont want to stop it
I just want it to grow
perhaps its because I know it woud never fit
in the life I currently know.

And now I'm sitting here
in that all to familair spot
as I dream of a day when I'll forget that fear
and escape this battle that I have long fought.

This I promise you
to follow you where ever
to always be true
to be there when ever
if I could only find you

and I promise that I wont go
if you would just do the same for me
and I hope that you will always know
that it is with you that I am finally free
if only your face would show

because when god finds
that the time is right
and we can follow the signs
and you are there in my sight
we can have nothing but time
and let forever take flight

Getting through

i'm trying to get through to you
but my mouth is wired shut
trying to tell you all you do
that great warmth and that deep cut
because, you're just like a roller coaster
and yes I know its cliche
but everytime you let me in closer
you suddenly push me away
but sometimes I think I should just leave
but then I start to forget
when I see your heart on your sleeve
and I know I cant have that regrett

these shivers are crawling up my spine
down my throat and into my heart
I'm not quite sure if I am fine
if this is some strange fresh start

and my fingers are struggling
to grasp the meanings of those words
and this strange fear is surging
as I find myself trapped amongst the herds

and it turns out
that I dont know anything about anything
and Im trying so hard not to shout
because for some reason, Im finding it means everything

I'm standing here screaming
but you still cant see me
because you're asleep - you're dreaming
of a day where my face you wont see?

there is so much frustration
because you're love is much to easily lost
and I just cant stop chasing
but at what cost?

Finding the Moment

humming tunes and skipping by
Im so curious
so many things make me wonder why
and if it's serious

dancing around
like no one is there
I dream of those possibilites yet to be found
and the when and where

and I'm looking at you
and you're looking right back at me
can this feeling really be true
or just some moment that will soon flee

because you take my eyes
and I'm at ease
you chase away all those lies
and make this moment freeze

Jumping Off

i love the feel
of your hand holding mine
this new warmth i find in your eyes
it helps me heal

but so much in this world is temporary
and so, you may be too
but there is no use in being wary
when there is nothing to lose

and i'm finding out
that god has quite a sense of humor
and i bet he is up there laughing
at all of my self doubt

because we find ourselves
caught in a summer storm
and as we grab each other, and just run
run away
I feel those familar butterflies urging to take myself off the shelf
to try to find this once more

i'm sorry if i couldn't be
couldn't be good enough
but i am who i am, and that's more than you see
and through these years my skin has gotten pretty tough
but that doesn't mean you can never break through

And that puzzled look on your face
when you hear of my troubles just makes me laugh
because you swear that you're different, but I hear those words said in poor taste
but some how I'm disillusioned enough to think that maybe this will pass
that you'll be different

Because with all the good there is
it can still be such a cold world
and I'm told that i cant know anything about life, that I've hardly lived
but I've dealt with everything that comes my way, all that is hurled
and I've grown up fast, and maybe missed out on what I've always wanted most

I'm hoping that day will come
when it will all make sense and you will come stand by my side
and see everything that's been done
every time you lied
but i probably should stop wishing
because even if you were to one day know
am I even worth enough to you
would you even let it show?

I'm so sorry
that I couldn't help you
couldn't be there

and you tell me not to worry
even though its true
because my pain wouldn't be fair

but i find it so ironic
that when we see the fragilness of it all
we both praise and despise what is

and as you try to prove that you're not scared of it
into the cold realization I fall
and I cant help but think about when we were kids

now that I can see your pale face
frozen in that smile from when you knew a great secret
I just break down and cry

because somehow it seems you've finished this race
and all those times when we ran together I cant forget
all that love left burning inside not ready to die

just in case you forgot
I'm still standing right here
because you should know that some things dont stay secrtet
much to your fear
and you say were that close
but I can tell its a lie
because sometimes when you say the words so much
you forget you have to try
and you should already know that actions can scream
and when you keep making these same ones
then things just cant be how they seem
because you say that I'm worth it
you say "what are friends for"
but are you really gonna prove it
or just tell me once more
because being friends
means for more than just a day
you've gotta be there all the time
wether happy or grey
because if you dont mean it
then dont tell me some lie
and when I'm upset
dont wonder why

Before I Leave,

I'm seeing you
deep inside my mind
seeing that smile and look on your face
that's so easy to find
and I'm missing you
when I think of all you've done
and all we've been through

because one day you wont be here
or then again, maybe it's me
wont be there with all those laughs and cries
that magic that people can see

and I'm fighting
with all that pain that lies there now
that gaping burning wound
that we have mustered up some how

but I can hear you screaming
even though your lips never part
is it because just maybe somehow
I've wedged my way right into your heart?

because - I'm seeing you
if only in the past
cause I've got no other choice
than to make each moment last

I'm floating.
As i see all that has come to be now.
Like I'm watching everything that's happened from the other end of a camer lense.
And as i feel myself glide in and out of all these moments and all those memories,
I'm disconected in disbelief.
Because so much has happened,
And there is so much that still can be.
Sometimes I just forget what a twisted jigsaw puzzle my life is.
It's a wonder I make enough sense of it to get through the day.

Changes.

I'm rejected
as I lay here on my bedroom floor.
And yet my life hasn't passed as undetected
as I had once thought before.

And I'm just a replacement,
as I look at you now.
Just a filler line in that statement
that you had once already found.

But it turns out I'm still living
when for so long I swore I was dead.
Because somethings finally giving,
despite everything I had said.

And because I want to be loved,
as I stand there at the door.
And I find myself shoved,
into a world I have long been searching for.

And I just want to stay,
to be a part of your life now.
Please tell me if I may.
Can I find a way somehow?

Give Me the Truth

For this moment in time
lets pretend that you're just a boy,
and im just a girl.
Lets not worry one bit about time -
or anything else in the wrold.

just look me in the eyes
and tell me what you think,
tell me how you feel
dont tell me it was all a lie
everything thing that was and is, you know its real.

Please just look right at me,
and tell me what is truth.
Tell me all that can be,
and tell me what its worth.

Because I know my place
and you know yours
but please help me to know if these roles should face
and walk this earth

If just for a time.

Because im just a girl,
and you're just a boy
and now matter what you call it,
it still means all the world.

I've always tried to live a good life,
but honestly - who doesn't?
And at the end of the day
sometimes your best, just isnt good enough.
Because life is one big game,
and some of us dont have the instructions,
were missing a few of the pieces,
we might even have to play with a few cheaters.
But then again - we dont have the rule book,
do we?

And after all this, we keep trying, keep striving
to win, to figure out this game.

Why?

When you say "the hell with it" is when you actually escape the cycle.

You start to enjoy living.

Parallel

Seconds slowly tick away
as each moment fades
and we both are left to face the day
I'm locked inside this cage

And as the sun revolves
from here in the west to there in the east
these issues cant be solved
I cant travel all those streets

Now the only glimpse of you I can catch
is those few memories that wander through my mind
and its all I can do to watch my life pass
when its you that I cant find.

Some of my fondest memories are when the days were fast
and the melodies clear
do you remembered when we watched the clouds pass
and we spoke in quiet fear

that steady beat is still clear in my mind
all the words and all the looks
surprisingly kind
time has stolen you away from me like some dirty crook

there isn't anyone who can take the place
that whole deep inside is left hollow
all I have to cling to is that look on your face
and that place there in the meadow

Blind

you dont know me
you dont need me
you dont even care

will you hold me
will you see me
do you know im there?

but you are far
and trapped in you
so I guess I must be fair

that its not in you
even if its in me
so I'll never catch your stare

Clouded Vision

Blurring the line.
Between reality and imagination,
between fact and fiction,
making some absurd limbo in between.
Confusion.

Struggling.
Trying to find the door.
Trying to find a way out of this.
A way back to the world I understand,
weather or not I enjoy it.
Searching, desperately.

Nothing...
No escaping it,
no way out...
Except, perhaps, time.
Trapped in the distance.

Crossing the Line

I never say anything that I don't mean
but when it comes down to it
the words that were said the things that were seen
cant do anything to change this course
the path that you've taken

and when it all comes down to it you should know
that all those days aren't regretted aren't forgotten
but I've let you go, and you have me
and the remnats of what was and were don't even show

because you are standing in the corner staring at your shoes
and I'm across the room talking
and that line is never crossed, even with nothing to loose
all that was made and agreed to never used

and now I'm running away
from all that awkwardness, all that anger and regret
because its clear you have nothing to say
so I'm searching frantically for another place, where things wont be this way

and when it all comes down to it, you should know that I never look back
I know better than to return to what was
I never look back, but see what could be now, what could be fact
and now I need to get back on track

because neither is willing to cross that line
and when I take a step forward you take a step back
and as the the cold air comes, it blows every thought out of your mind
every look, every time
and now I'm just a fly on the wall not even worth the thought at all

because I never say anything that I don't mean
and your actions and choices you've made have been seen
and I know now what you want, and I know what you wish
but I wont give you this

because I'm worth more than just a brush aside
worth more than just sideways glance
and from my presence you cant hide
because I will always be here
with a smile and a sigh

Say...

I'm here
just standing
waiting for you to come and take me away
waiting for you to say anything
a "thank you" a "goodbye"
a "hello"
or anything, any one hint of your plans
of your future life
with or without me
because its that important.
But be assured that
either way i will be here
heart still beating, lungs still breathing
maybe a little slower
my eyes searching around for nowhere
and everywhere
because it lies there with you
take my hand,
take a hug
take my heart
but don't take my will to live
because sometimes that's all you have left
because I'm just standing here
waiting for you to come take me away
waiting for you to say anything

Reason

What is going on?
What do you want me to do?
So much anger comming my way
And all for telling the truth?

This doesnt make any since to me
What did I ever do wrong?
If I only knew I would make it right
And not have waited this long

But this cant be all me you know
You're not perfect to
But the minute I let you realize this,
you're out, you're done, you're through

I wish we could talk about this
And see each other through
Because even amongst all this fighting,
You should know i still love you

one day none of this will be here
not the sun nor the moon
and for many who forget to see
this day comes all to soon

but not for me
my eyes are wide
i love it all
and I take it in stride

High Above

I wonder if I will ever see you again
Ever stand with you by my side
Because you are far away now
And your voice is just an echo in my mind

How could this happen? how could you be gone?
If I had any choice
I would join you before long

But you are where I can not reach you
You are where I can not spy
The only way to get to you
Is if I could learn how to fly

Fly away to that other place,
That life that I don't know
That and patience,
For someday I know I will have to go

But you are up there now
And I am stuck down here

And it is all I can stand
Not to scream out in fear
Because I need you now
More than ever I know
I need your happiness, your love
To wrap around me and never let go

And I know you're watching me
From way up in the sky
Watching me and protecting me
Till the day I learn how to fly

These City Streets

Snuggling into
the warmth of the past
those fond memories
the moments that last
and the what if's and maybes
please baby - maybe

your hands i wish
to forever clasp
while the screen on the clock
changing time so fast
trying to save this to memory
please baby - maybe

and I know that its here
and I know that its now
and up till this point
i have lived somehow
and it was all for you
and this life we have now
and it was all for you and this magic we've found.

we stand hand in hand
at the cross roads of our life
with your eyes holding me
right here by your side
and you say..
baby - maybe

Falling

These feelings are welling up inside of me
I fear i'm about to burst
And just when i think things might look up
They take a turn for the worse
Why do I even try anymore?
Does anyone really care?
I sometimes wonder if you would even notice
If one day i wasn't there.
I'm falling from such a great height
And now i'm about to crash
I guess you never really know
How long the good times will last.

Confusion

What do you want from me?
But I guess I already know..
So many people, so many reasons -
to be my friend, or to be something else?
Taking so much

Its more than I can handle,
its a struggle just to breathe.
Being crushed and weighed down by the choices i've made,
and the people i've chosen to see..

And you too? This cant be happening.
No, not to me.
I thought you were different, I thought you were what I needed.
Ruining everything, changing and deforming it -
I've got to rewind

Its more than I can handle,
its a strugle just to breathe.
Being crushed and weighed down by the choices i've made,
and the people i've chosen to see..

But what do I do now?
In spite of everything, I dont want to hurt you
I cant think - I want it to be right so badly,
that I may just convince my self it is.
But its not supposed to be like this -
its not what I want -

Cant you see?

Happiness

This is the rhyme and the reason, the thing that keeps me going through out even the toughest times. Happiness and its pursuit.

What will it take for you to see me, for you to know
I would follow you forever, wherever you go.
As these tears burn like fire down my face,
I wonder if this is merley me being put in my place.
I was foolish to think, foolish to hope,
now it is all I can do to cope.
And yet I dont want to think this, dont want to say,
I just wish that this could all work out my way.
But that was selfish too I suppose.
I wonder if its just me, or if it really shows.

Please

Is everything ok?
It appears so on the outside, but still, I'm not so sure..
Pivotal moments and life changing times - I wonder if you can see.
You don't need this, it really will be ok.
Caught up in the moments of this fast paced world.
It's so easy easy to get lost, so easy to lose sight, I really do understand.
How I wish you could see me, could hear me,
to know that it's ok.
I want this for you, I want you to believe.
This I know to be true.

My own description of how I try and live my life...

When all else fails and the day is done,
and there is nothing left to say,
will your regret the words that were spoken,
or the memories slipped away?

There is perhaps no better match for a hot and sunny summer day than a patch of grass in the cool shade. Where one can feel the beauty and serenity that is nature and be totally immersed in it, as if the beat of your heart deep in your chest, the flow of the birds in the sky, the steady growth of the plants around you and the revolving of the earth are all suddenly connected in one. I relish the blissful happiness and peace that is the warmth of the air and the cool of the grass. It is a place where all of it, everything thing that I find myself fighting against everyday of my life seem the escape into the sky, and drift away with the clouds. This is were I can enjoy the present, be hopeful for the future, and above all else be at peace with myself.

Hello..

Hello,
My name is Amanda and I am sixteen years old. I am new to the whole "blogging" concept, so forgive me if it takes me a while to get this thing really going. I created this page as an outlet for my writing and photos, and to hopefully get comments and suggestions back from others. So, enjoy.

~Amanda